The new/old prez promises a posthumous pardon to the late notorious Chicago “so-called gangster” Al Capone.
In the wake of President Donald J. Trump’s issuance of full and unconditional pardons yesterday for some 1,500 felons charged for crimes in the Jan. 6 2021 Capitol insurrection, the new President vowed that his action is “a sign of things to come.”
Trump announced today from the Oval Office that he has issued clemency for one of the most notorious criminals of the 20th century. Poised to receive a posthumous pardon is the late notorious Chicago gangster Al Capone. Said Trump, “This is only the beginning, okay?”
Alfonse Capone (1889-1947), a native of Sicily, was remembered by Trump at a press event on Tuesday, as “a so-called gangster,” although “what Big Al did was nothing compared to the perfidy of the weaponized Sleepy Joe Biden Department of Injustice.” Capone was convicted and sentenced to prison in 1931 for failure to pay income taxes, an issue which hits close to home for Trump.
“We,” said Trump, indicating his new administration, “will soon consign the IRS to the dustbin of history, and no American will ever pay income taxes again.” Trump proposes instead to institute an “External Income Tax Service,” whereby all federal income would arise from severe tariffs imposed on foreign nations. Trump is mulling calling the program the Capone Tariff.
Trump draws intriguing parallels between Capone and himself. “Big Al,” said Trump, “was first and foremost a successful American businessman. And prior to my apotheosis, so war I. Capone dabbled in gambling, and I had a wildly successful parlay with casinos. I cleaned up!” he boasted.
“And,” he went on, “Capone had an estate in Palm Island, Florida; I’m in W. Palm Beach, and we both got our mansions at a steal. And finally,” said Trump, “we were victims of a weaponized justice system. And Big Al,” remembered Trump, “couldn’t abide a rat.”
Fans of the 47th president agree that there are likenesses between Trump and Capone. “Capone indulged in custom suits, cigars, gourmet food and drink, and female companionship,” said Trump daughter-in-law Lara Trump. “If he were alive today,” she said, “Big Al would shop at Trumpstore.com to get all his amentities.”
She then spontaneously belted out “Cat Scratch Fever” to the accompaniment of rocker Ted Nugent, who came out of nowhere, clad in a hair shit and red MAGA hat.
- Trump Grants Clemency to Al Capone - January 21, 2025
- Trump Sentencing: Retribution Promised - January 16, 2025
- Trump Holds First ‘Fireside Chat’ at Mar-a-Lago - January 10, 2025
