Interview by Conservative Capitol Correspondent Llib Epot
The new DOD Secretary, drunkard and former Fox celebrity Pete Hegseth, is interviewed by the fawning Llib Epot, Fox News style.
On Friday, Trump nominee Pete Hegseth received approval by the full Senate by the narrowest of margins to become the nation’s 29th Secretary of Defense since 1947. Prior iterations of DOD Secretary were embodied in Secretary of War and extend back to the late 18th century. That role was originally filled by Founding Father Henry Knox. The nation’s gold repository, Fort Knox, was named in his honor.
Conservative Capitol Correspondent Llib Epot: Good evening, Mr. Secretary! Congratulations on assuming your new role.
Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth: Thanks, Llib. It’s good to be here. You seem surprised to see me. Our appointment was for nine o’clock, wasn’t it?
Epot: Well, yes, but we had scheduled it for nine a.m.“
Hegseth: Oh! Sorry, I didn’t know there was such a thing. I tend to sleep in, ya’ know. Had a few celebratory brewskis last night.
Epot: That’s alright. The vote on your confirmation was a real nail-biter. It was 50-50 and the vice-president had to cast the deciding vote.
Hegseth: JD really came through for love of country.
Epot: How to you feel about losing three Republican votes?
Hegseth: Well, I expected some flak from the two chicks, but it was disappointing when McConnell voted against me. I’m pleased that JD put the two cat ladies in their place.
Epot: On the day before the vote, it was revealed that you paid $50,000 to a woman who claimed that you sexually assaulted her in 2017.
Hegseth: Llib, that’s fake news. It’s a part of an ongoing effort by anti-American extremists to smear me and, by extension, President Trump. Besides, as the president might say, she wanted it. I have the president’s full support. Can we move on, Llib?
Epot: Certainly. How are you preparing for the vast responsibilties you face as Secretary of Defense.
Hegseth: I’m glad you asked me that. In anticipation of the global responsibilites I now confront, I purchased a copy of the board game Risk and have already committed to memory most of the countries, their geographic location and the relative strength of their respective armies.
Epot: Impressive.
Hegseth: Yes, but I’ll probably need to purchase an updated version sometime later this year.
Epot: Oh? Why is that?
Hegseth: Because, the new version will reflect the acquisition of Mexico, Canada, Greenland and parts of Panama by the U.S.
Epot: And how are you preparing for managing three million employees and a budget of almost a trillion dollars?
Hegseth: Well, seeking to get the biggest bang for the buck, I’m been investing federal funds in crypto, engaging online gambling sites and visiting casinos. And as far as managing the employees, I treat the whole experience as analagous to managing the world’s biggest Wendy’s.
Epot: Wendy’s? Really?
Hegseth: Yes, but without the DEI. The girls won’t be on the front lines. No, they’ll be in the background, making french fries and frying up burgers and backing up the men, who do the real work.
Epot: Final question, Mr. Secretary: one day your tenure at Defense will be over. What can you see yourself doing in four years?
Hegseth: Well, I can see myself rejoining the media. If not at Fox News, then at the Washington Post. I go to Jeff Bezos for my supply of kneepads even today. Or, after prostitution is legalized as the president has promised, I can see myself running a successful string of bordellos.
Epot: Thanks much, Mr. Secretary.
Hegseth: Back at you, Llib.
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