Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Trump removing the US from the WHO, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Trump removed US from the WHO

… Up next, PINK FLOYD …

Never say this when an employer asks why you were fired

“My last boss couldn’t take a punch.”

Did Elon Musk give a Nazi salute?

… Not saying that was a NAZI salute, but a group of Teslas were just seen on autopilot backing over Poland.

Trump’s demanding loyalty vows

If they’re anything like his wedding vows, then there’s no reason for anyone to worry about keeping them.

Pete Carroll ,73, new Raider coach

… Look for him to devise plays for his quarterback, his halfback, and his “oh my aching back.”

Kanye West is reportedly ‘terrified’ to return to the U.S. amid Diddy’s sex trafficking case

So, he’s changing his name from Ye to Flee.

Brawl over Pokémon cards breaks out at Southern California Costco

… In fairness, it was probably a whole lotta cards.

Netflix raising prices on subscription plans in U.S.

But it’s being offset by the lower price of eggs … Oh wait.

Garth Hudson, last surviving member of The Band, dies at 87

Heaven … The Band’s all there. God speed.

Calls for Kim Kardashian to be ‘canceled’ over apparent show of support for Melania Trump

But, first we need to find out what she actually does.

Trophy hunter who targets lions and alligators, got killed by a crocodile

So, alligators and lions and crocodiles … Oh my

This pillow isn’t just for sex. It can help you sleep better too

Um, yeah, but do you have to take it to dinner and the movies first?

New York rescuers break the ice to save moose from a frozen lake

… No word on condition of Squirrel.

Vivek Ramaswamy will no longer co-Chair DOGE

… Although, he will remain a word in this year’s National Spelling Bee …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)