[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

New Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt Holds First Briefing, Questions the ‘Necessity’ of Congress

New Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt says Trump has decided that “Congress is not really necessary,” and may be shuttered.

Meeting with an expanded roster of reporters, new Trump Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt addressed concerns of the news media in a sometimes spirited 45 minute question and answer session on Tuesday afternoon.

Karoline Leavitt
Karoline Leavitt, as Trump’s then-attorney, addressing the press outside a Donald Trump trial in New York, May 2024. Photo: Bruce Schaff, CC BY-SA 4.0.

Leavitt, 27, is the youngest press secretary since Agrippina, who served as Caligula‘s spokesperson in Rome in AD 38 until which time as she was beheaded by her brother the Roman emperor. She was 21. Agrippina would often begin her press briefings in what is by now a familiar vein, remarking disparagingly about Caligula’s predecessor, “Sleepy Tiberius…”

Taking the dais, Leavitt immediately chided former President Joe Biden for revocation of hundreds of so-called “hard passes” which allow reporters ongoing access to the White House. She remarked that the current President would “never stoop so low as to proscribe members of the lamestream news media.”

She said she was happy to extend press access to all “legitimate independent journalists.” Among those new faces in the press room were conservative commentator Alex Jones, former Fox News host Tucker Carlton, Breitbart host Steve Bannon and X (formerly Twitter) impresario Elon Musk. Musk sat in the coveted “New Media Seat,” reserved for media royalty, with a red pencil clutched between his teeth and an 4-track recording machine spinning round on his lap.

Leavitt intensely faced off against reporters who asked about Trump’s decision to withdraw the United States from the World Health Organization. “It is the position of the Trump Administration that we will not entertain entreaties for participation in DEI, woke and transsexual enterprises promulgated by any body or individual,” she replied.

It was pointed out that Trump’s actions entailed withdrawal from the PREFAR anti-HIV program. PREFAR has been credited with saving some 25 million lives, many on the African continent. since it was initiated by President George W. Bush more than 20 years ago.

Leavitt sniffed dismissively and replied that there was “a new sheriff in town” and that he would not abide taxpayer dollars going to accommodate those living “in shithole countries.” More than 5 million of the lives saved were children, said one reporter. “Like the Man says,” replied Leavitt, “baby vermin grow into adult vermin. Some deaths,” she opined, “are good deaths.”

Leavitt spent most of her time answering questions about the president’s pause on disbursement of payments already approved by the Congress. “I believe that we’ve shown that the Congress is not really necessary,” remarked Leavitt, who went on to add that Trump was weighing shuttering the doors of the legislative branch.

“The space won’t go to waste,” promised Leavitt, who explained that the Capitol Rotunda would be leased to private investors interested in constructing “the world’s largest Wendy’s.”

As the briefing began to wind down, a reporter asked Leavitt how long she might stay in the roll as Trump’s press secretary. She replied that she served “at the pleasure of His Majesty Mr. Trump” and would stay as long as she could be of service. Leavitt served as press spokesperson for the Trump campaign and before that was a hospitality worker at the D.C. Hooter’s restaurant.

Bill Tope
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