[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Orders Valve Search to Solve L.A. Water Crisis

New/old prez’ “water crisis” criticisms against California governor encompass whole kitchen sink.

President Donald Trump has issued orders to find a valve that he claims if turned open from a faucet would solve the water crisis in Los Angeles and southern California.

Water crisis LA Aqueduct
Los Angeles Aqueduct in the Owens Valley. Photo: Gann Matsuda, CC BY 3.0.

His orders come despite the fact California state officials say such a valve doesn’t exist. Trump says that statement is “all fake news.”

“I know the valve’s out there somewhere,” said Trump. As a self-described “stable genius,” Trump of course claims he knows more about how the flow of water works than even recognized experts on climate and hydrology.

The president said the solution to Los Angeles’ water crisis is simple–turn a valve, the essential part of a giant faucet–and more water will flow down from the Pacific Northwest.

“You have millions of gallons of water pouring down from the north with the snow caps in Canada and all pouring down,” Trump said. “There is essentially a very large faucet. And you turn the faucet and it takes one day to turn it. It’s massive.”

Trump said he has ordered federal search teams to find that faucet, which from his description sounds literally like the size of a wall. He charged that California Governor Gavin Newsom knows where it’s located but is hiding it from him.

Using his derogatory nickname for the California governor, Trump said “I think New Scum could be hiding the faucet somewhere behind the governor’s mansion in Sacramento.” Or “New Scum put it in one of the bathrooms” in the state capitol building, said Trump. If it can’t be found there, Trump speculated that the faucet is being housed in the homes of his bitter enemies Rep. Nancy Pelosi in San Francisco or Sen. Adam Schiff in the Los Angeles area, both of whom should be executed for treason, he said.

“If New Scum keeps hiding that faucet from me, I’ll have to send in federal troops to find it,” threatened the President. He charged that Newsom is hiding the faucet from him out of spite even if it means letting California “go down the drain.”

Asked why the California governor would hide the valve from him, Trump said Newsom is protecting an “essentially worthless fish” instead of sending more water to Southern California to stop the fires that have been burning in Los Angeles.

The “worthless fish” Trump refers to is called the delta smelt that is threatened with extinction. The fish requires a certain amount of water to flow through the river system to sustain its dwindling numbers.

Trump charged that Newsom diverted water from residents in Los Angeles to save the fish.

In a memo titled “Putting People Over Fish,” Trump directed his deputies to “route more water” away from upstate California down to other parts of the state.
Trump said that if “you turn that valve back, all of that water from the north would come right down into Los Angeles.”

Newsom responded to the President’s charges about the valve and the delta smelt by saying that the only thing “fishy are Trump’s facts.”

Larry O’Neill, Oregon’s state climatologist, said Trump’s comments “don’t make sense.” He said there is no such valve or water diversion system that Trump keeps talking about.

Werner Antweiler, a business professor at the University of British Columbia, said that “I’m sure Mr. Trump has never studied hydrology or the economics of water management and the needs of California because what California needs is mostly local water,” he said.

Environmental experts said a lack of water from Northern California wasn’t why some firefighters struggled to find water in Los Angeles to put out the blazes. Hydrants ran dry there instead because of spiking demand in the city that made it difficult to refill them, they said.

Meanwhile, Trump pledged that if all else fails on finding that missing valve that supposedly would solve all the problems about lack of water in Southern California, he’ll put a team of master plumbers on the case. If that still doesn’t work, he’ll assign his First Buddy Elon Musk with all his artificial intelligence tools to make the discovery.

‘If anybody can find that valve, it would be Elon,” asserted the President.

Eric Green
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