Trump to 'Boost Efficiency' with Buyout

Offer is part of DOGE plot to rid America of federal employees entirely, or as Musk says, “boost efficiency” in government.

To help “boost efficiency” in government, the Donald Trump administration is encouraging federal workers to take their long-desired dream vacation, watch television, or just generally goof off while receiving full pay for doing nothing.

Trump boost efficiency — Trump, pointing out large groups of his fervent fans, who will be out of work thanks to DOGE. Photo: Gage Skidmore, flickr.com, CC BY-SA 2.0.

It all comes as part of a package in which Trump is offering the federal workers a buyout as an incentive to resign from their jobs. Even as they’re not working, they will continue to receive full pay and full benefits until September 30 when they have to maybe look for another job if their bank balance reads zero.

An email entitled “Fork in the Road,” which suspiciously has the footprint of Trump First Buddy Elon Musk, offered buyouts to some two million feds.

The email said they will be exempted from all “applicable in-person work requirements until September 30 or earlier if you choose to accelerate your resignation for any reason.” In other words, any fed who agrees to resign can sleep all day and not have to work and still get paid. What a great deal, right?

Trump mouthpiece Karoline Leavitt said that if the feds “don’t want to work in the office and contribute to making America great again, then they are free to choose a different line of work, and the Trump Administration will provide a very generous payout of 8 months.”

Of course, the employee may not bother choosing another line of work. If you’re getting paid, wouldn’t it just be easier and maybe more rewarding to go fishing or lie on the beach working on your tan?

The email included a draft resignation letter for employees to review. If employees wish to resign, they can reply, in which they’re treated like they’re stupid idiots, by hitting the word “resign.” The resignation period goes through February 6.

Of course, there will be those people justifiably scared of having nothing to do all day if they quit and as the email says, will “choose to remain in your current position. We thank you for your renewed focus on serving the American people to the best of your abilities and look forward to working together as part of an improved federal workforce.”

Yes, if you’re reading the email right, you might stay and end up getting canned anyway. The email says that “at this time, we cannot give you full assurance regarding the certainty of your position or agency but should your position be eliminated you will be treated with dignity and will be afforded the protections in place for such positions.”

Oh sure, you’ll be treated with dignity as you’re being shoved out the door to help “boost efficiency.” A fed might also be wary of Trump’s sterling reputation of “stiffing” his employees or business associates by not paying what he owes them.

Everett Kelley, national president of the American Federation of Government Employees, said the email should not be viewed as “voluntary” whether or not an employee wishes to leave. He said that “between the flurry of anti-worker executive orders and policies, it is clear that the Trump administration’s goal is to turn the federal government into a toxic environment where workers cannot stay even if they want to.”

Elon Musk, now in charge of Trump’s new Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), famously sent a similar email, also called “Fork In the Road,” to his employees shortly after he took over Twitter, now renamed X, asking them to opt in to keep working at the company.

DOGE said that federal employees who accept the government buyout option can take a vacation or “watch movies and chill.” Musk also has a post pinned on X of an art piece he commissioned called “MetaFork in the Road.”

So, there it is–the fork in the road. Perhaps the late baseball great, Yogi Berra, in one of his most famous comically wise sayings known as “Yogiisms,” summed it up best for what a person should do when reaching that destination. “When you come to the fork in the road,” advised Yogi, “take it.”

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Eric Green

Eric Green has Donald Trump to thank for a number of his satirical articles. As long as The Donald is around, Eric will continue to have new material to write about him. Eric finds writing satire a welcome escape from the realities of life. When he’s not trying to be satirical, Eric has been a former newspaper reporter, ex-press aide to a U.S. Senator on Capitol Hill, and ex-writer in the federal government. He's also the author of three mostly humorous books, the one he's most proud of is called Temporary Insanity, Costa Rica, My Way. For fun, he practices playing Beatles songs on the piano.You can find more about him on LinkedIn.