DOGE Initiative calls for “going back to square one,” which may hurt most Americans, but help billionaires, “the ones who count.”
Speaking to a gaggle of alt-right media figures, Co-President Elon Musk announced today from the Florida White House at Mar-a-Lago that he was furloughing some 3 million federal workers as part of his DOGE Initiative.
This period of forced inactivity will be made permanent for as much as 90% of these individuals “after we have assessed the idle, underworked, overpaid American workforce.” According to the richest man on earth and DOGE maven, “we’re going back to square one.” Musk explained his reasoning.
“The average federal employee is larded with a salary of $106,382,” revealed Musk, who said that employees at his Tesla plants “earn substantially less and like it.”
“Tesla production workers,” crowed Musk, “earn an average of $42 K for the grunt work of actually producing my wonderful cars. If letter carriers earned that little, we could reduce the price of a stamp to 47 cents — or else give billionaires a substantial tax cut. Which one do you think I’ll choose?” he asked with a twinkle.
He went down the list of other changes he is contemplating. “The Cabinet level department with the greatest payroll, after Defense, is the Office of Veterans Affairs, which has become bloated almost beyond recognition with more than 486,000 employees.”
“Most of these parasites work for the Veterans Health Administration,” Musk went on, “which operates the VA’s extensive network of hospitals, clinics and nursing homes.”
Musk paused to expectorate on the gold-colored carpet at his feet. “And you know what Donny and I have decided about Veterans benefits, right?” He drew a forefinger across his neck. “Once their service is complete, then we’re completely through with them. Imagine Tesla or Space X or Trojan Condoms maintaining stand-alone health care facilities for their retired or discharged workers. Ain’t gonna happen, Jack!”
And pay for service members is too high too,” declared Musk. “Unless they’re working the border, I say, the federal minimum wage (Presently set at $7.25 per hour) is enough. They should be satisfied just being of service to their betters.”
Musk continued. “The largest independent agency is the Social Security Administration, with 59,000 workers. And Social Security, like Medicare, Medicaid and Food Stamps, is on the chopping block.” Musk made a chopping motion with the side of one hand into the palm of the other. “People,” he railed shrilly, “you has all got to live within your means!”
Another change the Trump Sugar Daddy has decided to make with his DOGE Initiative is a demographic alteration in the work force that will ultimately remain (estimated at 110,000 workers). “28.1% of federal workers are over the age of 55. As any manager can tell you, productivity decreases with age. I say, we set the compulsory retirement age for federal employment at 40.”
“Presently,” said Musk, 10.5% of federal jobs are held by people of, shall we say, Latin heritage. I’m with Donny in suggesting that all beaners be sent either to Mexico, Guantanamo or Canada, thus freeing up more Black jobs for our African American friends. We don’t need to supply jobs for vermin. Then, at age 40, these retired federal workers can come to work at Trump resorts and golf courses and bordellos as fry cooks, shoeshine boys, caddies and hookers.” When he departed, Musk refused to take questions, quipping, “It’s all good.”
- Elon Musk’s DOGE Initiative Says to America, ‘You’re Fired!’ - February 2, 2025
- New Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt Holds First Briefing, Questions the ‘Necessity’ of Congress - January 30, 2025
- 10 Questions for the New DOD Secretary Pete Hegseth - January 28, 2025
