Minnesota Nice Talk Radio Interview - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our new ‘Minnesota Nice’ talk radio host Tommy Ellis (Jerry Duncan is taking a well-deserved break) interviews store owner Jim Jasper.

ANNOUNCER

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s the Minnesota Nice Radio Show. And here’s your host Tommy Ellis.

TOMMY ELLIS

Welcome to the show. I’m a little nervous cause this is my first one. Frankly, I just wet my pants. Where are Depend when I need them? Oh well. I’m a happy retiree here in Slenderville, Minnesota. It’s a beautiful town with lots to offer folks. Our main street is lined with snow covered pine trees, a Chevron station that doubles as a feed store, and a food market owned by my friend Jim Jasper. And speakin of the devil, he’s my guest.

Minnesota Nice gas station — Minnesota Nice interviews gas station/feed store/food market owner.

TOMMY

Mornin, Jim.

JIM JASPER

Hey, Tommy. How come you’re not out there shovlin snow? I slipped on the sidewalk.

TOMMY

Got a bad back. The other day my chiropractor asked me how flexible I was. I said, “Can’t make it on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

TOMMY

You own the food market. I don’t understand how eggs are $12.50 a dozen, cereal $10 a box. Are you puttin your thumb on the scale?

JIM

A guy’s gotta make a livin.

TOMMY

I’ll buy some chickens and have my own eggs.

JIM

You’re eggcentric, man. Everything is expensive. Take gas for instance. The Chevron station is chargin $4 a gallon. You can’t get around it.

TOMMY

I sure can. I’ll eat lots of baked beans. They’ll be enough gas to power a cruise ship.

JIM

You deserve a Nobel Prize. Brilliant.

TOMMY

What brung ya to Slimsville?

JIM

I was headed to Alaska from Iowa 30 years ago to pan for gold. Determined to strike it rich. Well, I blew an engine in my old Ford outside of town. Luckily, a young lady Tilly Anderson put me up for the night. Tilly confessed that she was lonely and wanted company.

TOMMY

Desperate.

JIM

Before I knew it, we was married.

TOMMY

Doesn’t her old man own acres of timber?

JIM

I may be slow, but ain’t stupid. Didn’t need to pan for gold. Found a goldmine here in Slenderville.

TOMMY

What do you do for fun?

JIM

Fish. Like to ice fish. I pitch a tent on the lake. Drill a hole and wait for the fish to bite. Caught me a 20-pound Walleye last week. Prit near dragged me down the hole. Ice fishin is where patience meets frostbite.

TOMMY

I understand people are movin here from California because it’s cheaper to live.

JIM

Yep. Now I can raise my prices even higher. Course much of my money goes to charity.

TOMMY

What charity?

JIM

Me.

TOMMY

You’re a pretty smart ignoramus.

JIM

You betcha.

TOMMY

Jim Jasper. See you tomorrow everyone.

Minnesota Nice
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.