Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the Trump tariffs, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

China, Canada and Mexico vow swift response to Trump tariffs

In fact, in Canada, 50 Cent will now be known as 72 Cent.

Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan return as Harry and Sally in Hellmann’s Super Bowl spot at Katz Deli

This time, when someone has what she’s having it’s a Lipitor prescription.

Study says bacon is as carcinogenic as cigarettes

… You might as well write a suicide note if you have smoked ham.

Trump blames DEI for Potomac plane/copter crash

Well, it was a BLACK Hawk

Woman arrested at restaurant after insisting Jesus Christ would pay for her dinner

In fairness, he’s the one who turned their water into an expensive Barolo.

Climate Change report: Miami Beach may one day become completely flooded

On the upside, the shrimp will be a little fresher at those ‘Early Bird’ buffets.

Viagra has more serious side effects than Mifepristone

That’s really not hard to believe.

Happy 80th Tom Selleck

… Look for him in Magnum AARPI.

Musk amplifying the lie that we spent $50 million on condoms for Gaza makes him

This needs more condomnation…

Caroline Kennedy brands cousin RFK Jr a ‘predator’ before confirmation hearing

On the upside, RFK Jr is for the right to bear arms … with a side of fries.

Diddy accuser alleges he used ‘entire bottle’ of baby oil in less than 5 minutes

No wonder he got away with it for so long … slippery SOB.

Jim Acosta quits CNN

He could’ve just called the twelves of people still watching CNN and told them personally.

Kim Kardashian revealed she was ‘fully lying’ about this part of her relationship status

Let’s face it. These people don’t have relationships they have ‘stay tuned next weeks.’

Trump taking credit for the rain in California

Marjorie Taylor Greene: ‘He doesn’t look Jewish.’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)