By Tom Busillo
New Trump Executive Order directs authorities to forcibly deport “defective” golf balls from his rounds at Bedminster.
President Donald J. Trump yesterday signed an Executive Order authorizing federal authorities to forcibly deport “defective” golf balls from his recent rounds at Bedminster. The decision comes after a series of frustrating golf outings on the links that the President attributes not to his skill, but to the substandard quality of the golf balls used.
“My swing is perfect. Flawless. Abraham Lincoln wishes he had my form. My hip rotation. It’s all in the hips. You know. Some people think it’s the arms, but it’s all in the hips. The hips,” the President posted on X. “So if things hook, it must be the balls and they have no place here in this country. They really don’t.”
Critics argue that the move is an overreach of presidential powers. Supporters assert it underscores the President’s commitment to excellence and attention to detail in his work for the American people, even in leisure activities.
One administration official, who preferred to remain anonymous, revealed that the logistics of the deportation process are still being discussed. A significant hurdle is determining a destination for the deportation of golf balls manufactured in the United States, as they cannot be sent “back” to a foreign country.
Advisors are reportedly considering the establishment of a special driving range at Guantanamo Bay as a potential solution. This would serve as a unique repository for all deported golf balls and possibly become a new training ground for Secret Service personnel assigned to the President’s golf detail.
This initiative has also sparked international dialogue, with diplomatic talks underway to negotiate “golf ball asylum” agreements with allied nations willing to accept deported golf balls in exchange for various concessions from the President regarding tariffs and potential plans for invasion.
Many in the legal and golf community question whether this order could set a precedent allowing all golfers to seek relief under the Executive Order through the equal protection clause of the Constitution, a situation which would potentially involve the deportation of tens of millions of golf balls every week and call for the activation of National Guard and Army Reserve units.
“The Executive Order has us squarely focused on the President’s balls at the moment,” said the Administration official.
But this same official refused to rule out the formation of a special branch of the military known as the “Golf Force,” tasked with gathering and deporting the balls. Part of their mission would also be looking for errant balls hooked or sliced into wooded areas that remain in hiding to avoid detection.
“I really can’t rule out anything happening at this point,” said the official, hinting at the dynamic and unpredictable nature of the current administration’s policy decisions. This statement came amid rumors that the President is considering other similar executive orders, including one that deports cups or bowls of cold soup served in federal cafeterias, Supposedly, wrinkles are also on the table.
“The President needs to put on his big boy pants, suck it up, and take a golf lesson,” said one female Democratic Senator, who wished to remain anonymous out of fear of being jailed or deported herself for exercising her right to free speech.
In the meantime, the golf lobby met the news with mixed emotions.
“On the one hand, let me state for the record that our commitment to quality is unceasing and we adamantly deny putting out any sort of defective product on the market,” said Peter Nichols, Assistant Director of Public Affairs for the Golf Ball Manufacturers Association of America. “On the other hand, if there is a void caused by the mass deportation of golf balls, we are ready, willing, and eager to sell replacements to the golfing public.”
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