[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Elon Musk to Buy McDonald’s

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Co-President Elon Musk has taken steps to buy McDonald’s Corporation, home to a like-minded clown.

Currying favor with alter-ego, Donald J. Trump, Co-President Elon Musk has taken steps to buy McDonald’s Corporation, home to a like-minded clown, corporate icon Ronald McTrump.

McDonald's food
McDonald’s: The way to Trump’s heart is through his stomach.

Musk said that the purveyor of high-calorie Big Macs, fries and Trump’s personal favorite, the Double Cheeseburger, presently has a fair market value of $319 billion and is “well within my means.”

Musk said he would rely on his substantial investment in Bitcoin to finance the acquisition, but has not ruled out seizing the corporation by invoking imminent domain.

Musk indicated that his procurement of McDonald’s could prove instrumental in providing employment opportunities for former government workers who lost their jobs owing to the workforce reductions made by DOGE. “The average federal worker,” opined Musk, “has a skill set commensurate with that of the average fast food worker, so it is a natural fit.”

Musk added that Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) programs would be curtailed at the fast food giant. “From now on,” said Musk, “we talkin’ about white bread and white workers.”

Musk said that diners will have a “culinary awakening” with the introduction of signature S, African dishes into the McDonald’s menu, including Breakfast Bunny Chow, the double-patty Boerewors Sausage Sandwich and the Smoorsnoek Fish Happy Meal. Musk said that Happy Meal prizes will be real, functioning firearms. Prices for menu items will reflect the exchange rate for the S. African Rand.

In Other Business News

Entrepreneur Elon Musk (Tesla, SpaceX, Trojan Condoms) indicated his intention to buy out former DOGE co-chairman Vivek Ramaswamy, a marketer of sex toys. Musk took personal offense when Ramaswamy’s parent company, Dildos R Us, began marketing a “Melania Doll” in its line of inflatable women. Musk remarked that he was dissatisfied with his purchase, claiming that “it just lay there like a sack of flour.”

Bill Tope
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