Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about a shipwreck discovery, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Construction workers stumble upon ‘incredibly rare’ shipwreck in Boston

… No word if they recovered Gilligan’s hat.

Judge rules that Black church in DC, which won a $2.8 million default judgment against the Proud Boys, now gains control over the trademark “Proud Boys”

I get confused is that the 90’s boy band with Marky Mark or Joey Fatone?

NBA trade deadline brings blockbusters around the league

Man, more NBA players are being swapped than at a Kardashian Bachelorette party!

Egg prices, other commodities shooting up under Trump

I’m old enough to remember when egging or TPing a house didn’t require a bank loan.

Bill Belichick and much younger girlfriend Jordon Hudson made it to NFL Honors

Well, we know one thing it wasn’t on a school night.

In its 2024 guidebook, top French chef bans Michelin Guide inspectors from his new restaurant

At first, they almost got an extra Michelin star for exceptional, above and beyond, the usual French rudeness.

Hawaii to legalize marijuana

Maui wowie indeed.

The Musk / Trump White House’s wildly inaccurate claims about USAID spending — 11 out of 12 claims about the agency’s work are misleading, wrong or lack context

They have a name for the person who put out 12th claim. Unemployment.

Man builds a robot that looks like Scarlet Johansson

It’s so real realistic its first words were, ‘Yeah, like you have a chance.’

Shohei Ohtani’s ex-interpreter sentenced to nearly 5 years in fraud case

On the upside, he bet the under on the sentence being seven years or more.

Candace Owens says Ryan Reynolds should be ‘deported’ to Canada amid Blake Lively lawsuit

Ryan Reynolds: Who?

Anti-War Russian Musician falls to death during police search

… So, natural causes.

The planet’s 2nd smartest human reveals ‘50 mind drugs and supplements’ he takes every day

Yeah, but what if smartest human thinks this is a dumb idea?

Caroline Kennedy brands cousin RFK Jr a ‘predator’ before confirmation hearing

… On the upside, RFK Jr is for the right to bear arms … with a side of fries.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)