Happy Valentine's Day (+2) - Ed O'Neill, Humor Times

Happy Valentine’s Day, to the woman that means more to me than a lot of stuff.

Dear Rita,

Please forgive the tardiness of this email, my sweet. Charlie got laid off again and came over with a case of beer and two weeks severance pay. That was Wednesday morning and it’s been non-stop ever since. You know how Charlie is.

Anyway, Happy Valentine’s Day (+ 2). I want you to know that there is nobody as special as you. I wake up every afternoon and thank the Lord that you’re in my life.

You are truly amazing. And I certainly hope that you’re feeling better than the last time I saw you. I never saw anyone so sick from so many places before. I just wanted to cook a romantic dinner for the two of us. Nobody I know ever had such a severe reaction to any of the products in the Mrs Paul’s frozen seafood line.

I guess it’s just as important to keep that stuff frozen as it is to fully cook it. Lesson learned. I think the next time I want to prepare a fancy dinner for you I’ll whip up some DoorDash.

I’m thinking that we could celebrate St. Valentine’s Day (+2) with a little forgiveness. Sort of clean our slates and start fresh. With that said, I am forgiving you for getting mad when I borrowed your car for the weekend and brought it back with an empty tank. That was thoughtless of me. But, isn’t the real offense that I didn’t tell you I was borrowing the car in the first place, and that I got two parking tickets while I had it? Doesn’t that make your anger misguided? Maybe it’s time to reexamine your reaction. It seems rather unhealthy for you to be so confused about your feelings, so I’m willing to forgive and forget so you don’t get an peptic ulcer.

I know you’ll be hard-pressed to find something to forgive me for. I’ve been pretty tame since I got released. I’m honestly trying to be the kind of guy you deserve. That’s why I quit that shitty landscaping job. You deserve better. And I’m sure that another job will fall into my lap any day. In the meantime, if you could take care of my phone bill, I’d appreciate it. I know you’d want to be able to text me in an emergency. Besides, my dad refuses all help since I quit my job. Screw him! He’s lucky I don’t move out.

Well, it seems a little strange that I find myself asking for forgiveness after paying you a compliment. But that’s exactly what I was doing when I said your mom is hot, and that if you’re half as hot at her age, I’ll be happy. I think that’s a very nice thing to say. And I’m not saying it just to be nice. I say it because it’s true. Even Charlie says she’s hot. So how was I wrong? Why was I doused in cherry Slurpee and left by the side of the road? It seems a bit excessive, I’m sure you’d agree. But, considering the holiday, I’m willing to accept your apology.

I’m sorry for not sending flowers or candy, but I’m a little short on bread. I might be in better shape if you had seen your way clear to loaning me that two hundred dollars that I asked for. It was a sound business investment that would have payed off nicely for both of us. If only you were a little more forward-thinking with regard to ‘shrooms. They’re more than just a weekend at Burning Man, Rita. They can help people with behavioral issues . . . like Charlie.

I hope that my forgiving you for all these infractions can be a step towards a more loving St. Valentine’s Day (+2). in 2026!

Peace Out,
Rodney

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Ed O'Neill

Ed O'Neill is a New Jersey native that watches the world but rarely participates. He has authored several well-received product reviews on Amazon, including "Colby's Lemon-scented antibiotic bunion salve" and "Chan's zen-infused mostly natural plant food spikes". He's fluent in both English and Gibberish. He's in Little Old Lady Comedy, Robotbutt.Com, and Flexx Magazine (RIP)