[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Pete Hegseth: Ukraine a ‘Failed, Delusional Nation’

Hegseth advises diplomats to come to terms with the reality of eventual Russian subjugation, “for the good of all.”

Getting his feet wet as the newly-minted Secretary of Defense, former Fox News host and drunkard Pete Hegseth parroted Pres. Trump’s talking points at a press briefing Thursday by calling for immediate cessation of hostilities in the 3-year-long Russia-Ukraine war, saying the invaded country “picked the wrong war.”

Hegseth
New Secretary of Defense, looking for a flask stashed down his sleeve. Photo by Benjamin Applebaum, flickr.com, CC BY 2.0.

“The U.S. has been generous to a fault with Ukraine,” said Hegseth, noting that $175 billion in aid has been directed to “what is by a rights all a Soviet territory. The United States has other fish to fry,” crowed the DoD Secretary, who is in charge of an annual defense budget of almost $1 trillion.

“For example,” said the Secretary, “there are millions of children that the U.S. can continue to not feed; scores of diseases we can refuse to cure; and many, many more humanitarian issues we can decline to address, outside the boundaries of Ukraine. These Euro-criminals are not the only one’s on America’s dance card!”

Asked by an MSNBC reporter if he thought that the U.S. was “weaseling out” of its long-standing commitment to freedom and national sovereignty, Hegseth snapped that he did not. Then he had the journalist immediately arrested and executed for treason.

“History of a superior race having its way with a lesser culture is rife,” said Hegseth, calling to mind the Munich agreement of 1938, in which British PM Neville Chamberlain acquiesced to Adolf Hitler over Czechoslovakia through the much-reviled policy of appeasement. When asked outright if Trump were appeasing Putin, he bristled. “The president,” he said defensively, “doesn’t even like peas.” The DoD Secretary then took a quick pull on a flask.

Hegseth heatedly pointed out the difference between Putin and Hitler. “Hitler,” he said, “was a soulless, agressive killer, intent on self-aggrandizement and sweeping territorial acquisitions.” When asked how Putin differed, the Secretary said that Putin was “Donnie’s little buddy,” and “hasn’t a mean bone in his body. Moreover,” he said, “aside from Elon Musk, Putin is perhaps the wealthiest person on the planet.”

America, too, said Hegseth, has invoked “manifest destiny” many times in the past. He cited 1845, when Pres. James K. Polk assumed American ownership of Texas from Mexico. “Some people,” he acknowledged, “never came to terms with the peaceful transfer of power,” and “even today, the beaners are trying to take it back.” He shook his head. “It’s sad,” he said.

Mr. Hegseth next reminded those present of the Indian Removal Act, promulgated by Trump’s favorite president, Andrew Jackson. That legislation, approved in 1830, mandated Native Americans vacating their tribal lands west of the Mississippi River, paving the way for white settlement. “And a good time,” he quipped in a sing-song voice, “was hard by all.”

The Secretary noted parenthetically that Native Americans, along with women, LGBTQ Americans and negroes, are no longer welcome in the armed services. He added that “Semper Fidelis,” the Marine Corps motto, has been displaced by “If You’re White, You’re Alright.”

Mr. Hegseth concluded his remarks by stating that, later that afternoon, he and the president will be hosting a dinner for “right-thinking” military brass, at the Georgetown McDonald’s, after which they will visit Arlington National Cemetery and there lay at wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Loser and Sucker.

Bill Tope
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