Has Your Country Been Seized by a Tech Billionaire? What to Do During a Coup

,

Don’t feel bad, it can happen to the best of countries. Top 13 things to do if a tech billionaire launches a coup on your nation with the blessings of the clueless, corrupt political party in power.

coup hackers
Elon Musk’s enthusiastic young tech team goes to work. Photo: Lucélia Ribeiro, flickr.com, CC BY-SA 2.0.
By Gail Mackenzie-Smith
  1. Look up the word “coup.”
  2. Devour three boxes of Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies, a Costco bag of left-over snack-size Halloween candy, and a jar of strawberry jam.
  3. You go to the grocery store for ice cream and find that Ben and Jerry have already created a new flavor   — Chocolate Caramel Coup d’etat with Extra Nuts. You buy them all.
  4. Back home, you approach your computer like it’s a spitting cobra guarding a tech giant. Chant Om Mani Padme Hum as you open social media trying like hell to avoid the political posts.
  5. Shovel Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Caramel Coup d’etat with Extra Nuts into your mouth while watching a kitten riding an alligator and a guy making fireproof shoes from pineapples.
  6. You grow a pair and finally take a peek at the news. Expecting to see a violent mob of angry citizens waving torches and pitchforks in front of a government building you see a small group of middle-aged federal employees in wooly coats and mittens standing politely around the locked doors. A plate of homemade chocolate chip cookies is passed around.
  7. A shot of a cyber truck (the one that looks like a cardboard box and a pile of robot shit had a baby) pops up. Someone has graffitied the fuck out of it with gang names and swastikas. It looks awesome. You suddenly have a new found love of graffiti.
  8. You study a pic of the six smiling computer geeks who now control all the money in the United States and wonder why in the fuck a group of teenagers would hack into the U.S. treasury when they could be getting wasted playing beer pong and trying to get laid like normal kids. You consider writing your senators or their mothers. The mothers win hands down because moms get shit done.
  9. You doze off after binge-watching V for Vendetta, Inglorious Basterds, and The Empire Strikes Back. You dream of blowing up Nazis, electric swasticars, spaceships to Mars and doing a little something with Harrison Ford.
  10. Now, all fired up, you decide to do your part. You post a Banksy pic of a kid pissing on the leader of the coup. You watch it disappear with a stern reprimand. You post it again, feeling proud of your outrageous act of rebellion while secretly hoping they won’t freeze your account.
  11. Scroll through last year’s vacation pics of Paris and wonder where to go this year realizing it will have to be a country that won’t piss in your food. You decide on Big Sur and pray that the Pacific Coast Highway is still there after they axe FEMA.
  12. You consider moving and decide that Canada and Mexico are the best choices. Then you remember.
  13. Pulling the covers over your head, you’re delighted to learn that Amazon sells Girl Scout Cookies and takes crypto. You order a shit ton of Thin Mints and settle in for the next four years.
Humor Times
Latest posts by Humor Times (see all)
Share
Share