Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews his grandmother, Grammy Ellis.
ANNOUNCER
From beautiful downtown Slenderville, Minnesota, it’s the Minnesota Nice Radio Show. And here’s your host Tommy Ellis.
TOMMY ELLIS
Welcome to the show. There’s a blizzard out there. Snow drifts bigger than Paul Bunyan’s bunion. And my Grammy Ellis braved the storm to be here.
TOMMY
Mornin, Grammy.
GRAMMY ELLIS
Hey, Tommy. Damn near got mauled by a bear on the way over.
TOMMY
No surprise. Since you don’t have teeth, maybe he thought you was a gummy bear? Just sayin.
GRAMMY
Always a wise guy. Your ma and pa thought they had a genius. That is until you burned down the barn playin fireman with the Johnson boy. You’d think you was born in a barn.
TOMMY
Geez. I was hopin for a battle of wits, but you appear to be unarmed.
GRAMMY
You betcha.
TOMMY
You have a lot of stories though. Tell the listeners how you met Grampy.
GRAMMY
Sure. We was at a church social. I was a Sunday school teacher and there was a party for the staff. Afterwards, your grampy asked if he could drive me home since it was gettin dark. I agreed. First thing he done was offer me a cigarette. I said,”Oh no. What would I tell my Sunday school class?” Then he pulled out bottle of Jack Daniels and offered to share it. I said, “No. What would I tell my Sunday school class?” A mile up the road, we saw a motel with a vacancy sign flashin. Figurin he had nothin to lose, your grampy asked if I wanted to stop in there. I said, “Okay.” Then he asked, “What will you tell your Sunday school class?” I said, “The same thing I always tell em. You don’t have to smoke or drink to have a good time.”
TOMMY
Oh boy. I invited a bunch of nuns to listen to the show today.
TOMMY
You had an interesting profession. For 10 years, you was the mayor of Slenderville. A woman no less. Prit near unheard of in America.
GRAMMY
Yep. I was a good mayor. The town ran smooth under my administration. Didn’t put up with bull crap. Despite protests, I integrated the city council.
TOMMY
You was brave.
GRAMMY
Darn tootin. There was blondes, red-heads and brunettes.
TOMMY
Any Indigenous people?
GRAMMY
Don’t know what you’re talkin about. But yeah, I had ignorant people, too.
TOMMY
Hold on. There’s an angry caller on the line.
ANGRY CALLER
How dare your grammy claim to be a good mayor! She shamed people that drank every day. Well, we fooled her. Drank every night. And another thing…
TOMMY
Bye.
GRAMMY
I quite drinkin for good a long time ago, Tommy. But every now and then I drink for evil.
TOMMY
Hunker down. It’s snowin hard. You might be here for an all-nighter.
GRAMMY
An all-nighter at my age means I don’t have to get up in the night to take a pee.
TOMMY
Fingers crossed.
TOMMY
My Grammy Ellis. See you tomorrow.
Minnesota Nice
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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