Exclusive: a summary of the latest “big, beautiful” updated plans for Trump acquisitions around the world.
In a recent news conference, President Donald Trump provided an update on his latest proposals to purchase / annex certain countries and or territories. Below is a summary of the latest Trump acquisitions plans.
Regarding his ideas to make our neighbor to the north America’s 51 state, Trump confessed that the scheme has been taken off the table. This is despite incredible enthusiasm from the Canadian people, as evidenced by their cheering during the playing of our national anthem during a recent hockey game.
“Their horrible free health care culture and their lack of a gun culture would make integration into our great country too difficult,” Trump said.
The president went on to say that, “The Dudley Do-Rights up north would never fit into our passive aggressive society. They are just too polite. Soore-ree Canada, but you are just too nice.”
“Curses, foiled again,” lamented Canadians who have for years wanted to join our great country.
Trump further explained that, “Americans don’t want Canadian timber, maple syrup or most other imports from our neighbor to the north. The only thing we want is Tim Horton’s coffee. So, we are scaling back our Canadian acquisition plans to only acquire the Timmie Coffee chain, which we will turn into an American chain, thus making American Coffee great again (MACGA).”
The President then reiterated his desire to add “the Green Land,” which he explained “is an island surrounded by water, big water, ocean water. A lot of people don’t know that.”
“America needs the island for national security reasons especially if we are again attacked by Denmark (aka Lego Land) which currently owns the Green Land,” he went on. “We also need its abundant natural resources such as ice and snow which they have a lot of. That I can tell you. Once acquired, I will give the huge territory continent status, along with all the benefits that go with that designation. I will also personally give each green person a green card and a bigly supply of paper towels which island people seem to love.”
“I’m sure that I can make a deal with Denmark to acquire the Green thing,” he added. “If need be, I will throw in Puerto Rico and Gilligan’s Island, although they can’t have Ginger as she is too hot.”
If for some reason the deal doesn’t come together, Trump plans to repurchase Alaska and make it the 49th as well as the 51st state.
Trump went on to say that he will also insist that Panama re-gift their “big, beautiful canal” to the United States “where it belongs.”
He explained that this, along with other Trump acquisitions, is a matter of national security. “The canal is now being run by the Chinese and we need to get it back from the Zonians before the Chinese move it to Asia. The canal currently cuts down the time it takes our naval ships to move from the Pacific Ocean to the Caribbean Sea, which I am renaming it the American Sea. The Virgin Islands lie in the American Sea, which I will need to rename after I visit the island group.”
And finally, the president announced that he would be purchasing both Boardwalk and Park Place, which he would have the FTC approve, despite the appearance of a monopoly. After which, he plans to build “the most incredible hotels.”
The deal is expected to come with a Get Out of Jail Free card, which could, no doubt, come in very handy.
Who knows what other real estate deals Mr. Trump may put together. Maybe something in Gaza!
- Trump Acquisitions: An Update - February 26, 2025
- The Earthlings are Coming, the Earthlings are Coming! - December 10, 2024
- Who Ya Gonna Call? - October 25, 2024
