Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the U.S Forest Service, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

U.S. Forest Service will fire roughly 3,400 federal employees

If Smokey didn’t have enough to worry about with RFK Jr around, now this …

SNL turns 50

Pretty soon it’ll be known as SNAARPL.

Time for NBA All Star Weekend on TBS

Or, as the Kardashians call it, “The Home Shopping Network.”

Trump proposes U.S. take over Gaza, level it and build resorts

… Makes sense. If you want to clear out Gaza, build a few Trump casinos; people stay the hell away from those in droves.

Costco huge after Valentine’s Day sale

… Anyone want to go in with me on 900 pounds of Chocolate and 500 Roses?

Russian state TV and Kremlin insiders laughing at Trump’s concessions to Putin over Ukraine

In fact, Russian TV will now be known as “Russian Stating the Obvious TV.”

CPAC Chairman Matt Schlapp accused of sexually assaulting man at bar

… And from the guy who would ban rainbow trout.

The Lakers trade AD for Donic

Luka’s weight was at 280, 347 with the tariff.

NASA to study ‘city-killer’ asteroid as chances of hitting Earth increase

… Proving mass prayers work.

Jets tell Aaron Rodgers they’re ‘moving on’ from the QB for next season

With all that Ivermectin … you gotta figure Colts or Broncos.

Researchers study 15,000+ penises to determine average lengths around the world

Although, keep in mind, some of the evidence was circumcisional.

Staffer at Musk’s DOGE racist social media posts exposed

Look for Elon to try and claim he was white hoodwinked.

Jaden Smith mercilessly trolled for wearing house on his head at Grammys

Welp, home ownership can be a real headache.

Humpback whale swallows and spits out kayaker

… Cue the locust …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)