An interview with Trump’s DOGE despot, Elon Musk, about his “cracking down on waste, fraud and abuse.”
“DOGE Despot” Elon Musk interview, conducted by Humor Times Conservative Capitol Correspondent Llib Epot:
Conservative Capitol Correspondent Llib Epot: Good morning, Mr. Musk. Thanks for agreeing to this interview.
Elon Musk: That’s alright Llib, but why did we have to meet in the middle of the work day?
Epot: (Glances at his watch). But, it’s only 6am.
Musk: I put in a full day, Epot. None of this lollygagging around the water cooler or watching internet porn and then beating off in the men’s room. I’ve been up since one.
Epot: Impressive! One point of contention between you and your critics is what you really do. What is your job title?
Musk: I am an official Special Government Employee (SGE). And my aims are myriad, multitudinous and many.
Epot: For example?
Musk: To begin with, I’m here to crack down on waste, fraud and abuse. It is rife in the public sector. So far, I’m proud to say, Donnie and I have summarily discharged 10,000 federal freeloaders. Moreover, more than 75,000 deadbeats have taken deferred retirement.
Epot: Those who took early retirement say that they were coerced, had no due process, and had received positive work assessments prior to what amounts to their discharge.
Musk: (Shrugging). Screw ’em. They inked their docs. Now they’re history. Tell them to cry to somebody who cares.
Epot: As the preeminant SGE, you draw no salary. That’s very generous of you.
Musk: You’re right. I’ve got a heart as big as the great outdoors. It’s only coincidental that my wealth has nearly doubled since Richie Rich got back in the White House.
Epot: How would you characterize your working relationship with the president?
Musk: Well, Donnie is definitely the Sub and I’m the Dom. We’re also deep into CBT amd watersports, and that’s all you need to know. I could tell you more, but then I’d have to kill you.
Epot: Does the president tell you who to go after, or do you have a free hand? Does he have parts of the social fabric you can’t touch?
Musk: To be honest, he has no sacred cows. He doesn’t give a shit about the peasants anymore than I do. The federal turds are all fair game; it’s open season on the Civil Service.
Epot: You’ve been criticized for engaging with alt-right figures throughout the world and for showing an affinity for fascism. You have even taken to gesturing with a Nazi salute. Plus, you have been very vocal about returning your native S. Africa to the days of Apartheid. What say you?
Musk: It is what it is.
Epot: You’ve said you want to fire 90% of the federal workforce. Where should these discharged persons turn.
Musk: Catholic Charities, The Salvation Army and Goodwill Industries are doing some fine work. Trump always needs fry cooks, caddies and hookers for his many commercial properties, but I should note that most of those positions are already spoken for by members of the Black community. You see, I’m not heartless! Now, let me turn the tables and ask a question of you.
Epot: Shoot.
Musk: Your name, Llib Epot, has a familiar ring to it. Where do you hail from? Of course, you needn’t tell me; I’ve already got all your data…
Epot: Like you, I am a native S. African.
Musk: I thought so! I think it was the gutteral, mouth-full-of-shit speaking voice that gave you away. Despite the hiring freeze, I may have a job for you, Epot. Tell me, do you give good head?
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