Declare War Over Tariffs? Leader Miffed - Ted Holland, Humor Times

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

Leader reportedly livid and ready to declare war over Trump tariffs and lack of inauguration invite.

SNN Senior Political correspondent George Washington Thomas Jefferson Millard Fillmore Jesse Ventura Jones reports that Slobovian President General Blunt Force Trauma is livid and ready to declare war over the fact that he did not receive an invitation to American President Donald Trump’s inauguration and because of Trump’s recently levied tariffs.

“Trumpski think he God,” bellowed the General at a recent news conference. “Slobovia declare war on America. Kick Trumpski’s ass.”

The general also declared his displeasure with Trump’s recent tariffs on imported Slobovian goods. Slobovia is the world’s largest exporter of human body odor, earwax, Cubit Zirconia and refurbished condoms.

General Trauma stated, “Worldwide, Slobovia get no respect. Everybody eat French fries, nobody eat Slobovian fries, everybody eat Belgian waffle, nobody eat Slobovian waffle. Everybody eat Italian Spagetti, nobody eat Slobovian spagetti, everybody drink White Russian, nobody drink White Slobovian, everybody fuck with French tickler, nobody fuck with Slobovian tickler. After we kick America’s ass, everybody want Slobovian!”

The general stated that President Trump has until March 1st to issue an apology for the inaugural snub and rescind the tariffs or “there will be hell to pay.”

Floods unearth the burial place of the man who invented steak

SNN food reporter Stirdem Gritz reports that recent Texas floods have unearthed the burial place of Ulf of Teebonia, the man who invented steak.

In 1067, Ulf led a band of Viking raiders into what is now modern day Beaumont, Texas. He encountered a Texas longhorn steer, then killed and butchered it with his bare hands.

He pulled off a hunk of beef and began to eat it raw, when he was accosted by Comanche Indian Princess Charbroila who laughed at him and called him a Nantahey (Comanche for dumb sonofabitch).

She then helped him build the first backyard barbecue and helped him cook hunks of beef, which he called “T-bones.” From then on, anywhere that Ulf plundered and raided, he set up meat-selling and cooking stations called “Ulf’s T-bone Shack.”

SNN Words to Live By

“Don’t knock it ’til you smell it.” — Gain TV ad

“You shall not murder.” — Exodus 20:13

“Butter my butt and call me biscuit.” — Terry Bradshaw, Fox Sports.

The Question

Do you believe in farting on the first date? (Post your answer in the comments below!)

Author’s pick: It depends on the girl.

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Ted Holland

Ted holland attended college for four years. The year that he bothered to go to class he studied history. He majored in throwing quarters in the jukebox in the Student Union canteen and minored in a girl named Marsha. His books include This Day In African American Musicand B Western Actors Encyclopedia.