Kash Patel parroted his boss Trump, saying, “Ukraine started this war,” pounding his tiny fist angrily on his desk.
Surprising even his closet political allies, President Donald J. Trump has appointed new FBI Director Kash Patel as Acting President of Ukraine.
Patel’s appointment takes effect “just as soon as we erase the present dictator of Ukraine,” said Trump today on Truth Social. He was referencing Volodymyr Zelenskyy.
Reached at the men’s room at Mar-a-Lago, where he recently took up residence in stall #7, Patel told reporters that there exists in Ukraine a “deep state” that he will extirpate upon assuming office.
Patel, who held numerous roles in a previous Trump Administration, has been criticized for lacking relevant experience to lead the FBI, and for harboring an enemies list. He was confirmed for the FBI post this week.
“This will give me a leg up on running the Bureau,” said Patel, who intends to recruit and deputize the 1,600 pardoned felons from the Jan. 6 tourist visit to D.C., as his personal Brownshirt Enforcement Group (BEG) when he assumes the cloak of leadership in Ukraine. And what of Zelenskyy?
“Zelenskyy is a callow dictator,” said Patel bitterly. “He has an approval rating of like 2%; his countrymen want him taken out, and I’m just the cowboy who can do that.” Impartial reports put Zelenskyy’s approval rating at 57% and Trump’s at 48%.
Asked how the change in leadership would affect negotiations to end the war between Ukraine and Russia, which began three years ago, Patel parroted Trump assertions that the conflict would be ended “On Day 1.” Patel said that, as President, he will immediately sign over 75% of Ukraine’s rare earth elements, as President Trump has demanded, in exchange for America’s ongoing benevolence.
Patel, in cooperation with DoD Secretary Pete “Happy Hour” Hegseth, will order 100,000 troops to invade Ukraine and fight the insurgent Ukrainian troops. Patel noted that Border Czar Tom Homan will be “an influence in the arena” as well, and will combat the migration of Ukrainians into Russian territory — except for the children.
“Ukraine started this war,” raged Patel, pounding his tiny fist angrily on his desk. He cited proliferation of a Nazi subculture which had seeped into the higher offices of the nation. “If there are going to be Nazis in control in Ukraine,” said Patel, “then they are going to be our Nazis.”
Even Vice President JD Vance got into the act, admonishing Zelenskyy in an interview with the alt-right British tabloid, the Daily Mail, to “stop bad-mouthing the president,” under threat of death. “Seal Team 6 is sitting back, just waiting for a new assignment,” warned Vance.” Vance cited the untoward influence of “childless cat ladies” in the diminution of Ukraine leadership.
Watch this space!
- Kash Patel Appointed as Interim President of Ukraine - February 23, 2025
- 4-Minute Interview with DOGE Despot Elon Musk - February 19, 2025
- Pete Hegseth: Ukraine a ‘Failed, Delusional Nation’ - February 14, 2025
