Sophomore Interviewed on Talk Radio - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews a local high school sophomore.

ANNOUNCER

From beautiful downtown Slenderville, Minnesota, it’s the Minnesota Nice Radio Show. And here’s your host Tommy Ellis.

sophomore geometry — Practicing geometry in the 15th century. By anonymous painter, 15th century, Public Domain.

TOMMY ELLIS

Welcome to the show. Today the guest is my nephew Johnny Marbles. He’s a sophomore at Willow Oak High right here in Slenderville.

Mornin’, Johnny. Congratulations for being student of the year. Ya beat out the other 3 people in your class.

SOPHOMORE JOHNNY MARBLES

Big whoop. All I got was a stupid certificate and a $10 gift card on Amazon.

TOMMY

The certificate will go on your record, so you get into college. Nobody in our family has gotten past 8th grade.

What’s your best subject? You must have a favorite.

JOHNNY

Yeah. Geometry.

TOMMY

Always wondered what the heck that was.

JOHNNY

It’s an area on a flat surface that extends infinitely in two dimensions and has no thickness. A concept that doesn’t exist in the real world to prove a logical statement.

TOMMY

Hmmm. You talkin’ The Twilight Zone like I seen on TV?

JOHNNY

Sort of. Look, your keyboard is typin’ by itself.

TOMMY

Holy moly!

JOHNNY

That’s kinda like geometry.

TOMMY

Here I thunk geometry was a joke goin’ around town.

JOHNNY

What joke?

TOMMY

Do you know what the baby tree said when it looked in a mirror?

JOHNNY

No.

TOMMY

Gee-om-a-tree.

JOHNNY

Ma said you was never playin’ with a full deck.

JOHNNY

Tell me the truth, Uncle Tommy. Do you only have one testicle?

TOMMY

Is your ma spreadin’ family secrets?

JOHNNY

Yep. Your nickname in school was “Numb Nuts.” Right?

TOMMY

(Sheepish) I confess. In elementary school, we was playin’ soccer in gym class. I was the goalie. I seen two players comin’ down the field. My teammates ran away and left me alone. Had no protection. Well, this big 5th grader Billy Sherman, who should have been in 8th grade, deliberately kicked his foot right into my cojones. I was rushed to the hospital and the doctor removed one of them.

JOHNNY

Was Billy arrested?

TOMMY

Oh, ya. Charged with Testicular Manslaughter and sent to a juvenile facility in St. Paul.

JOHNNY

I wonder what ever happened to him.

TOMMY

I understand Billy’s workin’ for the county.

JOHNNY

Must be a big shot.

TOMMY

No. He’s on a chain gang.

Hey. Tell the folks what you do outside of school.

JOHNNY

I raise chickens.

TOMMY

Must be challengin’ with bird flu goin around.

JOHNNY

I ain’t worried. My chickens are trained. They won’t leave the coop cause they’re chicken.

TOMMY

Run for your life. There are stupid people everywhere. My nephew Johnny Marbles. See ya tomorrow.

Minnesota Nice
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.