By Otto Controle
Breaking: All federal employees have just resigned via email in the wake of cyberattack by notorious Red Panda.
Washington, D.C. – The federal government is in turmoil today, after all federal employees, from the lowest intern to the most influential cabinet secretary, officially “resigned” via email.
The mass resignation came after a bold and shockingly successful cyberattack by a notorious Chinese hacker who goes by the alias Red Panda, who reportedly did it on a dare from his hacker friends over a communal hotpot.
“I bet him he couldn’t make it look like every single US government employee quit at the same time,” said one cohort, who preferred to remain anonymous in fear of retribution. “Turns out, we severely underestimated his skills. The dude even made all the emails come from their dot-gov addresses. It’ll be legendary.”
The chaos began when an official White House email from the newly minted Department of Governmental Efficiency blasted out last week urging all federal employees to consider resigning. DOGE’s solicitation was allegedly intended to eliminate the “deep state” bureaucracy and clear out “low-energy” federal workers. But thanks to Red Panda’s handiwork, the effort appeared to have achieved an unprecedented 100% resignation rate.
“I walked into my office and saw that every single one of my employees had resigned,” said one bewildered agency head. “Even the coffee guy. And we don’t have a coffee guy.”
Unable to process an estimated 2.1 million simultaneous resignations, the Office of Personnel Management quickly outsourced the cleanup effort to a newly created emergency task force led by none other than Elon Musk. Among other solutions, Acting Secretary of Everything Musk proposed using a Neuralink verification process, where employees must “think really hard” about their decision while wearing an experimental brain chip.
Also under consideration are scalable testing mechanisms, such as rehiring only those who can solve a CAPTCHA without clicking on ten different grids of traffic lights, and playing automotive musical chairs with government parking spaces in D.C.
“At this point, it’s been the most efficient cost-reduction effort in US history. This is just a glitch,” Musk tweeted on X. “As a last resort, we can shift the problem to artificial intelligence. Could be a win-win for us at DOGE and my company’s xAI division.”
Meanwhile, conspiracy theories are running wild. Some claim that American black-hat anarchists orchestrated the hack, while others insist it was an inside job by overworked federal employees looking for an easy way out without their names landing on a disloyalty list.
At press time, the only government employees confirmed as still on the job were IRS auditors, who, according to multiple reports, never received a resignation email because their inboxes were permanently set to “Unread.”
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