Stuff and Nonsense - Vincent Jenkins, Humor Times

By Vincent Jenkins

Some random thoughts and nonsense for you to ponder.

Just a thought: people who complain that they are discriminated against because they are “too pretty/handsome” and that no one takes them seriously will NEVER have cosmetic surgery to look “average.”
TV evangelist Joel Osteen spouting more nonsense. Photo: Justin Brackett, CC BY-SA 4.0.

I pray to God that TV evangelist of every type mysteriously disappear and are never heard from again.
Winter is the only time a woman will tell you on national TV that she doesn’t want to see 6 to 8 inches coming!
“Black don’t crack,” but I’ve seen some serious wrinkling out there!
When the neighbor’s dog is giving you that tilted head look along with a questioning groan, you know its going to be a rough day!
More nonsense: An idea for a holiday inspired sci-fi/horror film set in 1975 Harlem, New York entitled, “Night of the Jive Turkeys!”
You know times are a changing when “morning wood” becomes morning “would’ve, but I had to hit the bathroom first.”
Scary thought #42: that someone composed and another person said, “okay, that sounds great! Record it and use it” for all that terrible ‘Please Hold’ music that plays on customer service phones of companies you called.
Here’s a new concept for an updated “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” movie; a nerdy research scientist blends together every commercial E.D. drug on the market, zaps it with electricity and downs it with a beer chaser while smoking a joint. Hilarity ensues.
WARNING! THIS IS FAKE NEWS: The FDA approves a latex and helium compound for breasts and penile implants, thus expanding the cosmetics industry and giving a lift to stock market investors.
Why are “in-laws” that you cannot stand not referred to as “out-laws”? Just a thought.
Still more nonsense: The next time you are arguing with someone and they say, “Have you lost your mind?” say “Yes I have!” and start doing all types of noises and movements like Curly of The 3 Stooges fame.
In the never ending “battle of the sexes” there are 3 winners; gift shops, bartenders and telephone billers.
Why not just stop all this pretense with this “MMA” and “UFC” stuff and just give the people what they really want; Olympic Bar Fighting!
Guilty pleasure: screwing with “smart” people by ignoring their impressive vocabulary to repeat their point with “less impressive,” simpler words.
People like zombie films because they secretly want to shoot, smash, stab and hack to pieces other human beings they just don’t like for any petty reason. No big Freud moment there!
A word to the wise: nothing in life prepares you for that first grey hair … especially when it’s not on your head!
Nothing is more annoying than the “broken clock” syndrome. That’s when idiots you can’t stand do the right thing for the wrong reasons … and you end up on the same side!
I can’t wait for the first reported case of spontaneous combustion when some couple’s Viagra, sex toy and natural rhythm synchronize at the same time.
If a man actually took all those advertised enhancement and virility pills, he wouldn’t need a woman. He would just think about her and explode … literally!
So there’s a “study” floating around that claims that the average male organ is currently 10% smaller than those of the previous 50 years. TAKE THAT 18 – 30 YEAR OLDS! BLAAH-HA-HA-HA-HAW-HAW!
Did you hear the one about the proctologist who lost his eye glasses and couldn’t see shit? >drum rift, cymbal crash<
Reason #17 for men over 50 to maintain a comprehensive exercise regimen: delay or prevention of developing the dreaded “man-boobs” >shudder<!
If just one more person says ” it’s hump day” to me, I’m going to kick them in their hump. It ain’t a cute saying anymore, people … Jeez!

Vincent Jenkins lives in Long Island (Nassau County), NY. Having survived the first wave of the Covid-19 virus in 2020, he found himself “semi-retired” a bit early. He’s does some martial arts, some writing and still has a slightly askew view of our society and world.

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