Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Hooters going bankrupt, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Hooters goes bust …

No seriously.

Trump’s imposes 25% tariff on aluminum

Damn, MAGA’s gonna be mad at increase in cost to their tinfoil hats!

Hip-hop star A$AP Rocky is found not guilty of firing a handgun

A$AP was looking at a sentence so long when he got out he’d be A$AARP Rocky.

Federal employees told to remove pronouns from email signatures by end of day

So, Elon has to remove Mister/President.

Forget egg prices! There’s 1 more grocery staple that sits near record highs as beef prices hit 11.97 per pound

… While “Steak and Egg” breakfasts now require a loan co-signer.

RFK Jr. wants to get rid of anti-depressants and weight loss medication

…. And to prove his point, did you see Elon with the chainsaw at CPAC.

McDonald’s getting rid of DEI

… Which explains why there was no chance they’d bring back the Harlem Shake for Black History month.

Porn star gets out of jail and starts GoFundMe to ‘get back on her on feet again’

… Or, enough to, at least, get back on her back.

New theory ups the odds that intelligent aliens exist

… While all new evidence disproves any intelligent life on Earth.

Kevin Costner turned 70

Pretty soon, he’ll be in “Playing Bingo with Wolves.”

New York Yankees drop beard ban after 49 years

So, Lindsey Graham can bring a date to a game.

Doctors set the record straight on 7 common fever myths

… Despite the SNL sketch to get a fever, you don’t need more cowbells.

Happy President’s Day

They should change President’s Day to Bill Clinton or John F. Kennedy Day, what with all those Mattress Sales.

Steve Bannon does his own questionable salute while calling for a third Trump term

… If only computers came with Alt Reich Delete …

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)