Mayor Adams: Trump Gets Central Park - Rick Blum, Humor Times

In return, Mayor Adams is set to receive extra security and a preemptive pardon for any crimes committed as mayor.

Sources close to the New York City Mayor Adams administration have revealed that he has agreed in principal to award the development rights for Central Park to the Trump Organization.

Mayor Adams to cede Central Park, NYC — Central Park, NYC. Photo: Anthony Quintano, CC BY 2.0.

It’s been reported that the mayor’s motive for the move is an exchange for security guarantees, primarily against homeless druggies who may try to camp on the park’s lush lawns, reminiscent of the Great Depression’s “Hoovervilles.”

Seal Team Six will take responsibility for clearing homeless and other “undesirables” from the park, as well as for patrolling subway stops between Columbus Circle and 110^th Street. Any illegal immigrants swept-up in enforcement actions will swiftly be deported to The Bronx.

The agreement will also include a commitment by President Trump to unconditionally pardon Mayor Adams for any federal crimes he may have committed, from the time he announced his intention to run for mayor through the end of his term.

With development rights secured, President Trump will put into motion his long desired plan build a first-class golf resort, to be named MAGA Fairways, on the northern half of the Central Park property, including a 150 thousand square foot combined clubhouse, spa and steakhouse.

The latter will feature Trump’s own favorite dish: charred ribeye au jus, or as he calls it, burnt beef smothered in ketchup. A 500-room luxury hotel will be built on the banks of the Jackie Onassis Reservoir, which will be renamed Ivanka Lagoon.

Trump is also working on a deal with Saudi Arabian-backed LIV Golf to make the new course a regular stop on its tour starting in 2026. Saudi prince Mohammed bin Salman will receive special dispensation to erect a mammoth tent on the grounds for him and his entourage to stay in during this tournament.

As for the southern half of Central Park, it will retain the name “Central Park,” although only for the sprawling 16-story parking garage that will be erected on the park’s southern border, which is on the edge of areas where congestion-pricing tolls are in effect. Trump has graciously agreed to withdraw his challenge to the toll plan.

The city has also agreed to rezone the area bounded by 5^th Avenue, 56^th Street, Park Avenue, and 60^th Street as exempt from these tolls. Trump Tower is located on 5^th Avenue and 56^th Street, within the new exempt zone.

The Central Park south area not devoted to the parking garage will retain park-like landscaping, but will also feature two mini-golf courses; an indoor, go-kart race course; and a skeet-shooting range.

Our sources say that the deal is planned to be announced later this week in a White House press conference. Mayor Adams has not been invited, though he may be allowed to participate via Zoom.

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Rick Blum

Rick Blum has been writing humorous prose and poetry for more than 25 years during stints as a nightclub owner, high-tech manager, market research mogul and, most recently, alter kaker. Currently, he is holed up in his Massachusetts office trying to pen the perfect bio, which he plans to share as soon as he stops laughing at the sheer futility of this effort.