Trump announces a bold new initiative — a “genius plan” — to make America “really free.”
By DF Brady
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Declaring that the United States was “finally reaching its full potential,” President Donald J. Trump announced a bold new initiative — a “genius plan” — to make America “really free.”
So free, in fact, that work, taxes and even critical thinking would be entirely optional.
Speaking before an audience of billionaires, major chicken industry executives, and evangelical leaders, Trump outlined his three-phase plan, which includes a guaranteed $100,000 payment to all Americans — provided they vote correctly.
“Within five years, every American gets $100,000. That’s right. No more confusing jobs, no more work ethic nonsense, no more worrying about feeding all your kids. You just have to show up and vote for the right person. And folks, we all know who that is, don’t we?” Trump said, to roaring applause from the handpicked crowd.
Funding concerns? “Not a problem,” says Trump
When asked how the program would be funded, the President assured Americans that it had already been paid for through a combination of advanced AI, booming economic growth, and international credit extensions.
“President Xi told me just the other day, ‘Mr. Trump, your credit’s good, don’t worry about it,’” Trump said. “So if we ever need a little extra? We just take out a loan, no problem. Plus, Russia — great guys, very strong — they’re helping, too. In return, they get to take back a few little places that, honestly, never should’ve left them in the first place.”
Aides later clarified that “a few little places” referred to several former Soviet republics and parts of Eastern Europe, though they declined to specify further.
Economists divided on “Smart Deals” approach
The economic plan — dubbed “Smart Deals™ ” — also promises to dramatically lower the cost of goods and housing through strategic partnerships with foreign allies and new AI-driven technology.
“Milkshakes, raspberries, four-bedroom homes — we’re cutting the prices on all of them,” Trump explained. “Chickens? We’re getting them cheaper than ever. Eggs? We’re bringing in the best eggs. We’ve made some tremendous deals with top chicken-producing nations. The eggs? The breakfasts? Unbeatable!”
In addition to poultry-driven economic reform, Trump revealed that new AI-powered 3D-printing technology — reportedly developed in secret by Elon Musk’s “very smart people” — would allow the U.S. to print fully furnished four-bedroom homes in just 15 minutes.
The homes, according to Trump, will be “inspired by the world’s great ethnic heritages” — but not all of them.
“Some of these styles, folks, gotta be honest — not all winners. Most African and Asian designs? Not so great. But the Taj Mahal? The Great Pyramids? Now those would make quality living spaces!”
In response to concerns over where the construction materials would come from, Trump introduced Valdemar Putin, the newly appointed “Chief NATO Partner for Strategic Awesomeness”, who assured reporters that securing rare minerals and pollution-free oil for the project was already underway.
“Nothing is more important than ensuring my dear American brothers and sisters live in the comfort they deserve,” Putin stated, before disappearing behind a gold curtain.
The third term blowout: “It’s gonna be bigly”
Trump concluded his speech with a preview of his upcoming “Third Term Blowout,” which will introduce sweeping new policies, including:
- $100,000 annual salary for all non-workers (“Every real American, stress-free!”)
- Two gas-powered SUVs per heterosexual family (“Because American power, folks. Bigly!”)
- Mandatory patriotic songs in schools (“Kids will sing ‘Way Down South in Dixie’ or another regional anthem. Beautiful music.”)
- A national push to rename the Gulf of Mexico the “Gulf of America™ .”
Schools that hold weekly patriotic swims in the newly rebranded waters will receive extra federal funding, along with free designer swimsuits aligned with gender at birth.
When asked whether his sweeping economic and governance overhaul was realistic, Trump waved a hand and smirked.
“Do I look like someone who doesn’t make things happen?”
The White House erupted into applause.
Somewhere in the distance, a bald eagle soared across the sky, screeching in perfect harmony with the national anthem — pre-recorded by Kid Rock.
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