Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews singer/songwriter Bob Dylan.
ANNOUNCER
From beautiful downtown Slenderville, Minnesota, it’s the Minnesota Nice Radio Show. And here’s your host Tommy Ellis.
TOMMY ELLIS
Welcome to the show. Today my guest is the biggest star from our neck of the woods, singer/songwriter Bob Dylan.
Mornin’, Bob. Always wondered. Are you related to Matt Dillon on Gunsmoke?
BOB DYLAN
Who the hell is this? I called an 800 number to talk to Santa Claus.
TOMMY
It’s Tommy Ellis from the Minnesota Nice Radio Show. You got the right number by golly. But Santa is spendin’ the winter in the Bahamas. You wouldn’t wanna talk to him anyway. His favorite singer is Elf-is Presley.
DYLAN
I’m on the radio?
TOMMY
You betcha. Right here in Slenderville, Minnesota.
DYLAN
You’re an idiot. Thank goodness, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people.
TOMMY
I done some research, Bob. Can’t believe it. You is 83 years old. And a Minnesota boy raised in Hibbing as a youngster.
DYLAN
Yessir.
TOMMY
We got somethin’ in common. I attended two years of college there.
DYLAN
You? College? Somehow the two words don’t go together.
TOMMY
I graduated with honors. Everything went real smooth except when a fire destroyed 1,000 books in the campus library. The real tragedy was that 500 hadn’t been colored yet. As a result, my professor put ‘Will Work For Food’ on the back of my diploma.
You recorded your song Blowin’ In The Wind in 1962.
DYLAN
Yeah. A protest against war.
TOMMY
Dang. Here I thunk it was about a tornado blowin’ through Hibbing.
DYLAN
I still get emotional when I think about the song. I had just taken an acid trip. It was a beautiful summer morning, so I hiked up a hill near the home I was renting. I actually made it to the top, then slipped off the edge trying to find my weed.
TOMMY
That’s what a weed wacker is for, Bob. Don’t they learn ya nothin’ in school?
DYLAN
Hold on. I always thought a weed wacker was a guy with a plant fetish.
TOMMY
Must be one of them double meanings. Continue, my king.
DYLAN
Had a few cracked ribs and a concussion. I was really screwed up for a while. So screwed up that I accused my girlfriend of being a secret drug dealer after I answered her phone. I heard this man say, “Is the dope still there?” I said, “Don’t think twice, it’s alright.” Made a gazillion bucks with those words.
TOMMY
(impressed) Wow. That’s prit near fifty dollars.
(laughs) Hahaha.
DYLAN
What’s so funny?
TOMMY
It’s good to know I ain’t the only one who people call a dope.
You’ve sold more than 100 million records. You’re in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Songwriters Hall of Fame. You’ve received a Presidential Medal of Freedom, 10 Grammy Awards, a Golden Globe Award and an Academy Award.
DYLAN
I’ve had it all.
TOMMY
Bet you never got the Denny’s Grand Slam Breakfast Award. I own the honor in the United States. Ate 6 pancakes, 4 eggs cooked to order, 10 bacon strips and 5 sausage links on my 30th birthday.
DYLAN
And what did they give you?
TOMMY
A ruptured appendix. On the plus side, I don’t have lint in my belly button.
You’re an artist. Tell me about your paintings.
DYLAN
I paint mostly from life. Interested in people and histories. Like train tracks and small towns. Hibbing was so small that Entering and Leaving signs were on the same pole.
TOMMY
Are you goin’ to cut off your ear like the Dutch painter Van Gogh and send it to a girlfriend?
DYLAN
Which ear did Van Gough cut off?
TOMMY
It doesn’t matter, the other one was Van Stay.
Bob Dylan. See ya tomorrow.
Minnesota Nice
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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