Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about LeBron and Bronny, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

LeBron and Bronny hit back at car crash lawsuit after 4 months

LeBron must’ve been driving because Bronny’s shown he can’t hit anything.

FBI and State Department officials tell workers not to reply to Musk email

In other words, behave like customer service at X.

Cannabis company bought a California town

And, then forgot where it was …

Trump Homeland Security Secretary Gabbard says more than 100 intelligence officers fired for chat messages

From now on, instead of just a CC, they’ll also be a CCCP …

Kanye West is selling $20 T-shirts with swastikas

Ye’s now so rightwing, he’s thinking of changing his rapper name to CPAC Shakur.

Chicago man killed by enraged camel

Now that’s what I call a crappy “Hump Day.”

A man with drugs accused of waving machete after O.C. kindergarten graduation

… See what happens when you don’t bring enough snacks for everyone?

There’s a list of the 20 worst wax sculptures

Number 2 is the real Tom Brady.

Forever 21 closing more stores

Pretty soon it’ll be called Forever Chapter 11.

Pot pipe found in kid’s Burger King Happy Meal

They should really call it a “Very, Very Happy Meal.”

Gene Hackman gone at 95

The Oscar In Memoriam will need its own show.

Russian drone blows hole in Chernobyl’s protective shell

On the upside, it could bring back the nuclear family.

Hip-hop star A$AP Rocky expresses relief at being found not guilty

Good thing, because he would’ve served such a long sentence that he’d have come out a replacement hip hop artist.

Last year alone, USAID purchased $2 BILLION in US grown crops from corn, soybeans, wheat, sorghum

… Or, about two dozen eggs.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)