Here’s what we heard during Trump’s first SOTU of his second term, speaking from his gold-plated podium.
America tuned in to the State of the Union Tuesday night, an annual event where presidents traditionally discuss the nation’s progress, propose policies, and reassure citizens that things are, in fact, not on fire. This year’s address was a different kind of spectacle, delivered from a gold-plated podium.
The speech was a mix of Orwellian doublespeak, reality TV theatrics, and the aggressive rebranding of democracy into a subsidiary of the Trump Organization. Here’s what we heard:
1. Trump Restructures Government, Declares Himself King and Elon as President
“By executive order, I am declaring myself King of the United States. I’ll be overseeing the greatest reign ever, folks. And guess what? Elon Musk is now your President! Together, we’ll make America, and Mars, great again!”
2. A New U.S. Currency: TrumpBucks
The U.S. dollar will be replaced with TrumpBucks, redeemable exclusively at Trump properties but mysteriously worthless everywhere else. Inflation? Fake news.
3. Trump Casinos in Every State
Forget infrastructure, education, or healthcare — the real solution to America’s problems? Slots. Every state gets a Trump Casino, ensuring that at least 60% of the GDP comes from blackjack losses, watered-down drinks, and overpriced buffets.
4. National ‘Trump Week’ as a Permanent Holiday
An entire week devoted to parades, fireworks, and forced public displays of gratitude for “the greatest leader of all time.” Gladiator costumes are optional. Attendance will be mandatory.
5. Ordering Mount Rushmore to Be Modified to Include Trump’s Head
A carving of his stunning profile will be added to Mount Rushmore, with a competition among sculptors scripted to air on Netflix in the coming months. The finale will feature an audience vote for which current Mt. Rushmore President to be wiped out and recast as Trump!
6. Replacing the National Anthem with ‘Trump’s Theme Song’
No more *Star-Spangled Banner*. From now on, the anthem will be ‘Make America Great Again (Again)’ — played exclusively on electric guitars and performed at all public events.
7. Proposing a Reality TV Show to Select Supreme Court Justices
No need for the Senate — let’s turn this into prime-time entertainment! Contestants will face weekly legal challenges, with the ultimate winner getting a lifetime appointment. Judging criteria: loyalty, charisma, and the ability to say “no collusion” with a straight face.
8. Declaring Every Wednesday as ‘National Trump Day’
Hump Day? Never heard of it. Wednesdays will now be dedicated to mandatory Trump appreciation ceremonies, where citizens can publicly pledge their allegiance (and make a small donation, of course).
9. Rebranding the White House as ‘Trump Mansion’
If you thought the gaudy gold toilet rumor was bad, wait until you see the White House refitted with neon lights, a revolving Trump logo, and a Mar-a-Lago-style swimming pool in the Rose Garden.
10. Introducing ‘TrumpTime’: A New National Time Zone
Time zones are confusing. Under the new “TrumpTime” system, all clocks will be set to whatever time the former president says it is. If it’s 3 p.m. and he says it’s noon? It’s noon now. Deal with it.
11. The Trump National Mars Colony
Space Force needs somewhere to go, so why not Mars? The first intergalactic Trump Links golf course is already in the works. Bonus: the Red Planet matches the color of Trump’s ties.
12. Declaring Himself the Greatest President in History by Executive Order
While most presidents leave this to historians, Trump will simply sign a document proclaiming himself superior to Lincoln, Washington, and that Roosevelt guy whose name he can’t quite remember.
13. Mandating That All Government Buildings Be Plated in Gold
Nothing says “responsible governance” like 24-karat facades. The Capitol, the Pentagon, even your local DMV — everything gets the Midas touch. Who’s paying for it? You’ll find out later.
14. Granting Full Citizenship to Anyone Who Can Recite ‘The Art of the Deal’ from Memory
Immigration reform is simple: if you can flawlessly recite every page of ‘The Art of the Deal’, you’re in. Bonus points if you do it in a MAGA hat.
15. Declaring That All Future Hurricanes Will Be Named After His Political Opponents
Hurricane Hillary? Category 5. Storm Adam Schiff? Devastating. From now on, any natural disaster will be named after someone who’s crossed him, ensuring that when destruction hits, it’ll be personal.
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