Global Financier: Buy Eggs, Not Gold - Ted Holland, Humor Times

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

Global financier is bullish on eggs and egg-related investments, bearish on “boring old” gold.

World famous global financier Dr. Snatche DeCash, chairman of world wide financial institute Grabhalle, DeCash and Scramme, says that instead of buying precious metals, everyone should be buying eggs.

Financier Buy Eggs — This half-dozen carton of pristine eggs alone could be a solid starter for a strong portfolio, says financier.

In a strongly stated memo, he said, “Forget about Gold, Silver and Platinum… buy eggs, buy egg futures, buy egg stocks, buy egg bonds, buy egg certificates! Invest in brooders, incubators, chicken coops… forget about Hedge Funds, invest in Henhouse Funds!”

Mr. DeCash said that his firm is selling special, one of a kind eggs called Golden Grotto Yokers. One Golden Grotto Yoker sells for $8,000.00, or a dozen for $100,000.00.

With each purchase, you get a certificate of Cluckcentricity and a special refrigerated egg safe.

Breaking Educational News

New Slobovian educational bill allows hooker vending machines in high schools.

Other Breaking News

Zelenskyy barred from White House, KFC and McDonald’s.

SNN Words to Live By

“Killing is now my food.” — Red Feather (Lee Van Cleef), Colt 45, 1950’s TV series.

“Everybody says dumb stuff at one time or another.” — June Cleaver (Barbara Billingsley), Leave It To Beaver, 1950’s TV series.

“Together we rise…Together we heal.” — NFL player Cam Jordan.

The Question

Name 5 things you did last week. (Post your answer in the comments below!)

Author’s pick:

Cussed out the cable company.
Wrote article for Humor Times.
Cussed out the phone company.
Prayed that the Jim Beam fairy would visit me.
Prayed that the 100 dollar bill fairy would visit me.

Author
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Ted Holland

Ted holland attended college for four years. The year that he bothered to go to class he studied history. He majored in throwing quarters in the jukebox in the Student Union canteen and minored in a girl named Marsha. His books include This Day In African American Musicand B Western Actors Encyclopedia.