George Floyd Murderer Pardon: Elon Musk

Musk said he would like to hire Derek Chauvin, convicted for the murder of George Floyd in 2020.

Breaking News: Acting in consonance with the advice of his Co-emperor Elon Musk, Donald J. Trump is expected to sign a pardon for convicted murder Derek Chauvin. Chauvin was sentenced in 2021 to 21 years in prison on charges of violating the civil rights of George Floyd in 2020.

Accused by a store clerk of using a counterfeit $20 bill to purchase cigarettes which he planned to sell as singles, Floyd was confronted by Chauvin, a Minneapolis police officer, who handcuffed him, slammed him to the pavement and compressed Floyd’s neck with his knee until the victim expired. Chauvin pleaded guilty at trial.

“We have a regulating agency for cigarettes,” bellowed Musk on a street corner in Manhattan on Thursday. “It’s called the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives.” Musk went on to add parenthetically that he has “double-secret plans” to reduce the 1,714 special ATFE agents to 11, but that, for now, “coloreds selling loosies are fair game.”

Musk said he would like to hire Derek Chauvin as a “Special Advisor to DOGE (SAD),” as part of an army of SADists who would operate as Special Government Employees. Musk said he is in the “noodling” stage of rewriting parts of the U.S. Constitutional which he claims were hastily conceived. “That 14th Amendment is a bitch!” he said.

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Bill Tope

Bill Tope is a retired (caseworker, cook, construction worker, nude model for art classes, and so on) who lives with his mean little cat Baby.