Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt reveals new “right-minded” Shock Troops Press Corps.
White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt revealed at a press briefing at the White House on Thursday that the rumors of her blood ties to former German Minister of Propaganda Dr. Joseph Goebbels were true.
Goebbels, said Leavitt, “is not only a blood relation, but a kindred spirit as well. Like great, great grandfather Joseph, I’m doing God’s work.” Affixed to Leavitt’s collar was a tiny swastika.
Leavitt rapidly segued to the White House’s new “right-minded” Shock Troops Press Corps (STPC) which the 27-year old Trump spokesperson said “would soon get America’s mind right too.”
According to Homeland Security Secretary and former bikini model Kristi Noem, this team of quasi-journalists is serving to blacken the reputation of undocumented aliens. “It is amply funded,” said Noem, “by the Conservative Political Action Conference, which has a budget of $200 million, all but $40,000 of which was provided by DOGE Czar and sugar daddy Elon Musk.”
Noem and Leavitt previewed for the press the STPC’s latest video production, which featured a surprise raid on a conclave of unsuspecting immigrant mothers and pre-school-age children.
In the video, Border Czar Tom Homan and his Brownshirts shock troops are seen rousting and then sexually assaulting the victims of the raid. “But,” pointed out Noem, “none of the assault victims was under the age of 18,” thus laying to rest the rumor that former Rep. Matt Gaetz (R. FL) was involved in the paramilitary action.
The STPC has been extremely active so far, revealed Leavitt, citing the nationwide broadcast of President Trump’s Oval Office confrontation with Ukrainian dictator Volodymyr Zelenskyy, in which Trump and Vice President JD “Gorilla” Vance verbally assaulted him. The video was viewed by 6 million people.
“The crucifixion was scripted,” revealed Leavitt with a little smirk. “That rodent Zelenskyy didn’t stand a chance.” Leavitt repeated Trump’s assertion that the carefully documented episode made “great television.”
At her initial briefing, Leavitt urged “podcasters, social media influencers and content creators” to apply for credentialed access to a briefing room long occupied by legacy news outlets. More than 12,000 have since applied, according to the White House, and now Breitbart News and Steve Bannon’s War Room stand toe-to-toe with NBC. CBS and the New York Times.
Leavitt crowed about The Washington Post now being “under control and no longer a PITA.” According to Leavitt, Amazon founder and Washington Post owner Jeff Bezos “now has more to do with selling kneepads online that with accruing Pulitzer Prizes.”
Brian Glenn, a correspondent for alt-right Real America’s Voice and main squeeze of Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R. GA) was accorded the rare opportunity to question Trump in the Oval Office.
Glenn revealed that, after being tutored by Greene, he performed fellatio on the president “just the way he likes it.” At subsequent press events, Glenn was given a special seat up front, in close proximity to the president.
Citing the ongoing exploits of STPC, Leavitt pointed to Benny Johnson, another jackbooted journalistic Trump thug, who produced a video that Leavitt is especially proud of. She clicked on a video player. The screen flickered to life.
The night before the U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID), once the world’s largest provider of food, was shuttered, Johnson posed for a video of himself outside the agency’s headquarters.
Johnson was saying, “Destroy the idols of the conquered church, right?” He laughed. “Desecrate their idols. Look at this, there it is, blacked out, erased. No more food or assistance for AIDS patients in shithole countries!” The screen went blank.
Leavitt concluded the briefing with happy news. She told reporters that “President Trump is satisfied with the way in which the 4th Estate is coming round. Or should I say,” she added with a twinkle, “going down.”
- Trump Unveils TR-47 Fighter Jet on White House Lawn - March 25, 2025
- White House Reveals New Shock Troops Press Corps - March 22, 2025
- Condom Maker Elon Musk Vows to Slash Social Security ‘to the Bone’ - March 17, 2025
