President says that Mexico as the 51st state is a ‘huge deal – best ever.’
Since Greenland wasn’t biting and Canada was dragging its feet, Donald J. Trump, master of the art of the deal, set his sights on a new acquisition — one with better beaches, cheaper labor, and, as he put it, “some of the most incredible, just tremendous tacos.”
Today, he declared by executive order that Mexico would officially become the 51st state of the United States, calling it “the greatest, most cost-effective land deal in history — way better than Louisiana, way better than Alaska, and folks, we didn’t even have to pay for it!” Why stop at Gulf of America when you can just take over the country?
In a move that left political analysts baffled and late-night comedians grateful, President Donald J. Trump announced today that he would make Mexico the 51st state of the United States by Executive Order, touting it as “the greatest, most tremendous deal of all time.”
Standing before a backdrop of mariachi bands and hastily constructed golden piñatas bearing his likeness, Trump unveiled his bold new plan to absorb America’s southern neighbor into the Union. “This is bigger than buying Louisiana or Alaska, and we won’t spend a dime!” Trump declared. “Instead we’re saving billions. Billions! No need for a wall anymore because guess what? We own the whole place now!”
The Deal of the Century
Trump touted a laundry list of benefits from his latest geopolitical brainchild. “Low-cost labor, check. Beaches even nicer than Florida’s, and do we know Florida!” he asserted, looking at Marco Rubio, the new Secretary of State standing behind him. Trump continued, “Incredible oil reserves. Drill, baby drill! And all the tacos you want. Everyday will be Taco-Tuesday! — beautiful, beautiful tacos. They might even be better than a bucket of KFC! And let me tell you, we’ll move the state capitol to Cancun. Americans are going to love Cancun. All those gorgeous high-rise hotels are way better than Sacramento.”
The President also pointed out that annexing Mexico would save the estimated $21 billion cost of finishing his border wall. Instead, Trump proposed constructing a smaller, “much more cost-effective” wall between Mexico and the rest of Central and South America. “It’s a better wall. A smarter wall, very smart!” he explained. “We won’t even need a door on our side, since nobody wants to go to Guatemala anyway.”
A Unified Workforce
Critics have questioned how Trump plans to integrate Mexico’s population into the U.S., but Trump shrugged it off. “We’re keeping the best people,” he said. “Mexico has the hardest workers, they’ll do anything, and now they’ll all be working for America—making MAGA hats, mowing our golf courses, building even more Trump hotels. It’s going to be amazing. And they’ll pay taxes! Lots of taxes.”
In response to concerns about the potential cultural and linguistic divide between the 51st state and the other fifty, Trump was quick to reassure his base. “We’ll make English the official language of Mexico. Easy. I’ve spoken to many Mexicans who work for me at my golf courses — they love English. And they say my Spanish is the best they’ve ever heard. Tremendous vocabulary. I know all the best words—like ’no mas’, ‘taco’ and ‘burrito.’”
Immediate Backlash
Reactions to the announcement were swift and fierce. Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum Pardo, caught off guard by the announcement, reportedly responded with an exasperated “¿Qué carajo es esto?” (“What the hell is this?”). Meanwhile, prominent Dems and Republicans scrambled to downplay the news, with several pointing out that Congress would need to approve the annexation.
Trump dismissed congressional approval as “fake news,” claiming he had already signed an executive order with his special sharpie and stamped it with a very presidential seal. “It’s just a merger,” he said, “not a hostile takeover. These things happen in business all the time, and sometimes even in affairs of state. Just ask my friend Vlad about Ukraine. But my deal with Mexico is much much bigger. And no fighting, no Americans at war!”
Making Mexico Great Again
President Trump also hinted at potential changes to the newly acquired territory. “We’ll rename it Trumpico. Beautiful name, right?” he said. “And all those bad hombres—they’ll love it. They’ll be so grateful, I promise you. Nobody else could’ve done this. Obama? He couldn’t even get Mexico to pay for the wall!”
As for his long-term plans for the new state, Trump teased a new Trump Tower in every major city, and promised to turn the Mayan ruins into a luxury golf resort. “Chichén Itzá will be Chichén Pizza by the time we’re done. Believe me, it’s going to be fabulous. We’ll make Mexico Great Again!”
The Final Word
Trump concluded his announcement by vowing to make Mexico “so great, so American, you’ll barely recognize it.” When asked about how Mexicans felt about the concept of “statehood,” Trump dismissed any concerns, claiming they were thrilled. “They love me down there. I’m very popular in Mexico. They call me El Jefe Naranja—very flattering.”
Despite the chaos, Trump’s supporters have rallied behind the idea, with one attendee in a red sombrero summing up the sentiment: “If anyone can Make Mexico America, it’s Trump! Mexico is ours now, lock stock, and guac!”
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