Answering life’s burning question, “Would you eat green eggs and ham?”
Infomercial spokesperson: “Has this happened to you?”
(A dramatization) “Oh God, no!” she screamed as she dropped to her knees sobbing. Her husband rushes in asking “what? what?” then sees the eggs, two of them, splattered all over his wife’s manicured toes, dripping to the side of her foot… slowly… as if inviting hysteria. Before he could react, he sees a third intact egg poised to fall out of the open carton. He reaches toward it and just catches it, only to realize the egg had cracked and would soon slide through his fingers.
“Quick, quick, get me a pan, any pan!” he yelled to his wife. But his pleas fell on deaf ears. His wife witnessed the third egg drop, and it was too much for her. He looked over to see his wife slumped over, drooling from the corner of her mouth.
This was a true dilemma. He had to make a choice; the egg or the wife. It was then he stood up, still cupping a yolk and a bit of egg white in his hand. He softly said to his wife, “I’m sorry honey, but are you coherent enough to reach for that pan behind you?” She slumped over further, her one eye barely open and looking up at him as if to say “are you freaking kidding me? My life for an egg? Is this what it has come to?” as she slid aside and let her husband reach for the saucepan just in time. “I’m afraid so,” he answered. Then jokingly to his wife, who by now had partially recovered from the shock of losing 2-1/2 eggs, said “Man, I was really looking forward to a two-egg omelet, but I guess I’ll have to settle on egg drop soup.”
They both erupt in hysterics.
Spokesperson: “The story you just read is all too real for thousands, possibly millions of egg lovers all over America–the tragedy of losing an over-priced, smuggled-from-Mexico egg. The folks in our story only lost 2-1/2 eggs. Imagine losing a whole dozen?
The “Eggonomic” market, as it has come to be known, is volatile and doesn’t show signs of letting up anytime soon. And, it is seriously affecting almost every aspect of American’s lives.
Poultry farmers no longer sell their eggs to a wholesale buyer, but instead have begun listing them on Etsy and Facebook Marketplace. While cooks all over the US scramble to find a solution to their personal egg crises, pastry chefs are trying new ways to make eggless desserts; their creations sitting, rotting on bakery shelves. And you can’t pick up a newspaper or read a story that doesn’t have some egg-related tragedy coming to light. For instance, Chinese Restaurants nationwide have removed “egg drop soup” from their take-out menus as it conjures up bad memories for their patrons not unlike the story above.
While you may not know this, Sulphur Withdrawal Syndrome is a real thing, and it is reaching epidemic proportions. Asked what to do for SWS, RFK, Jr. advises “there are many acne treatments on the market that contain Sulphur. If you need to, you can mix some in with your morning beverage or squirt some onto a slice of toast. “But,” he warns, “while at first glance a green acne cream may not seem delectable, I recommend you mask the taste with a splash of organic tabasco sauce.”
All of this begs the question, “would you eat green eggs and ham?” If I have to, Sam, I am. If I have to.
