Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Cybertruck owners, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Tesla Cybertruck owner in Massachusetts says he’s been threatened and harassed

Just use a sticker that says “On Autopilot,” and people will stay the hell away.

T.J. Holmes and Amy Robach’s ex-spouses Andrew Shue and Marilee Fiebig move in together

Haven’t any of these people heard of Tinder?

A study said pizza is as addictive as cocaine

… Proving somebody needs a better cocaine dealer.

Wall Street tumbles as Trump tariff whiplash and failing AI stocks drag NASDAQ 10% below its record

In related news, Moody’s changed its name to “Surly.”

Russia can arrest people suspected of being gay

… Which explains why there isn’t a member of the Village People dressed like a Cossack.

Jack Daniel’s maker says Canada pulling US alcohol off shelves ‘worse than tariff’

It’s like they’re getting beaten up with a Canadian Club.

Rapper Xzibit’s estranged wife says he secretly sold $170 million weed company

Or, maybe the weed was so good he just forgot.

Today is Women’s Equality Day

Don’t forget the day is only 77% as long as a normal day.

A Chick-fil-A fan-favorite sandwich is back on menus for the first time in 3 years

Personally, I’m waiting for the Chick-on-Chick-fil-A sandwich.

Rare blue lobster caught in Canada

If he’s sad now, imagine how he’ll feel when they put him in boiling water

On this date 10 years ago, Alaska legalized marijuana

… Bringing new meaning to term Baked Alaska.

Pentagon removes references to Enola ’Gay’ because of DEI guidelines

… Good thing there’s no more Trans World Airlines or they’d be shooting them outta the sky.

US Labor market added 151,000 jobs

… Although, most of those were incels on college break going to work for Elon at DOGE.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)