Bullwinkle the Moose on Talk Radio - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Bullwinkle the moose.

ANNOUNCER

From beautiful downtown Slenderville, Minnesota, it’s the Minnesota Nice Radio Show. And here’s your host Tommy Ellis.

TOMMY ELLIS

Welcome. Ya know, the other day a friend of mine said I should invite Bullwinkle the moose on the show. So, I done some research and learned he’s retired a few miles north of here in Frostbite Falls.

Ladies and gentlemen, from The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show, it’s Bullwinkle!

Mornin, Bullwinkle.

BULLWINKLE THE MOOSE

Hey, Tommy. I listen to your show all the time. You’re amoosing.

TOMMY

Good to hear. Tell everyone how ya got started in show biz.

BULLWINKLE

Well. My mom and I took a road trip to Hollywood in 1959. I was in my late teens when she brought me to an audition at ABC for a new cartoon series. I kind of froze, then came up with a great line that wowed the producer. I said, “If you were a booger, I’d pick you first.” Hired on the spot.

TOMMY

That’s cool. The Bullwinkle Show.

BULLWINKLE

Not exactly. The producer was looking for a co-star. Americans like teams — Laurel and Hardy, Lucy and Desi, Lyle and Erik Menendez.

TOMMY

You betcha. Then how did you meet Rocky the squirrel?

BULLWINKLE

By accident. As I was leaving the audition, I saw this little critter swimming on his back in the fountain. I thought it was strange seeing a squirrel on his back wearing sunglasses. I said, “Why are you on your back?” He said, “I need to keep my nuts dry.” We became fast friends. I introduced Rocky to the producer and we were a team from 1959-1964.

TOMMY

A happy endin’. That’s great by golly. Whatever happened to Rocky?

BULLWINKLE

Sad story. He was an alcoholic. I tried to help. I said, “Rocky. You’re an alcoholic.” He put his arms around me and said, “Bullwinkle, you see those four trees over there? An alcoholic would see eight trees.” And I said, “But Rocky, there are only two trees.” He agreed to rehab. After recovery, he moved to Duluth.

TOMMY

Sounds like a happy endin’.

BULLWINKLE

It was until Rocky crashed into a tree chasing a “hot” female squirrel. At his funeral, I kneeled down next to the coffin and whispered, “Who is thinking outside the box now?”

TOMMY

What kinda’ box? Like a foldin’ carton?

BULLWINKLE

It’s an expression. I’m here to announce we’re on MeTV Toons under the name The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends. I’m going to make lots of money.

TOMMY

More than a hundred bucks?

BULLWINKLE

10,000 times more.

TOMMY

Holy jeepers. Two hundred dollars! Ain’t seen that kind of money since my old man robbed the bank in Bemidji. What else you up to?

BULLWINKLE

I still do magic tracks. Watch me pull a rabbit out of a hat.

TOMMY

Not that trick again. I seen it on TV.

BULLWINKLE

(tears off a shirt sleeve) Nothing up my sleeve. Presto!

(reaches hand into hat and pulls out Vladimir Putin)

RUSSIAN PRESIDENT VLADIMIR PUTIN

Moose must die!

BULLWINKLE

No doubt about, I gotta get another hat!!

TOMMY

We’re outta time, folks. Bullwinkle the moose. See ya tomorrow.

Minnesota Nice
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.