Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the Betty White Forever Stamp, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

The Betty White Forever Stamp roll out announced

Keith Richards will be there to honor the woman he once babysat.

SpaceX launches relief crew for NASA’s beleaguered Starliner astronauts on ISS

… Mostly to tell the astronauts DOGE had fired them!

US woman draws backlash in Australia for stealing baby wombat from mum

Wombat: The dingbat got my baby!

Top Trump allies have visited South Florida to tour potential sites for his post-administration presidential library

… A place where all books will be required to repeat Chapter 11 six times.

Germany moves to overhaul rules to unleash major defense spending push

What could go wrong?

Starbucks ordered to pay $50 million to delivery driver burned by hot beverage

I’m stunned, stunned someone actually got a hot beverage at Starbucks.

Social media reacts to RFK Jr.’s bizarre Steak ‘N Shake endorsement

… Up next Bear ‘N Brew.

People who complain of boredom are 2.5 times more likely to die of a heart attack or stroke

At least, they weren’t busy when it happened.

Hungary marches demanding Orban resign

Well, the Capitol city’s name does sound like ‘Boo da Pest.’

Happy 79th Birthday, Liza Minnelli

… A woman who’s married more gay men than a Justice of the Peace in West Hollywood.

Dog shoots its OWNER after jumping on bed and setting off loaded gun

Rumor has it that it was a K9mm.

Lord Ivar Mountbatten Says Meghan Markle Is ‘Completely Incorrect’ Over Sussex Surname

… Today on ‘Royal Family Feud.’

JD Vance says he and his daughter, 3, were confronted by a group of pro-Ukraine protesters

I guess the Secret Service is so secret no one knew they were there.

It’s National Pi Day

A day that seems to go on forever.
A day that seems to go on forever.
A day that seems to go on forever…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)