Housewife Pearl Merman on Talk Radio - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Pearl Merman, housewife and aspiring mayor.

ANNOUNCER

From beautiful downtown Slenderville, Minnesota, it’s the Minnesota Nice Radio Show. And here’s your host Tommy Ellis.

Minnesota Nice Interviews Housewife — Minnesota Nice interview: housewife Pearl Merman. Photo: McGhiever, CC BY-SA 4.0.

TOMMY ELLIS

Welcome to the show. Today my guest is Pearl Merman, housewife and aspiring mayor.

Mornin’ Pearl.

PEARL MERMAN

Mornin’. By the way, the coffee in the pot you got in back tastes like shit.

TOMMY

That ain’t coffee, it’s where I store my worms for fishin’.

PEARL

No wonder I had the dry heaves.

TOMMY

Shucks. People think vomiting is hard, but I always get through it with flyin’ colors. I understand you’re runnin’ for mayor of Slenderville against school librarian Nina Wizurski. She’s the heavy favorite to win.

PEARL

Of course. The woman is prit near 250 pounds. I wish everything was as easy as gettin’ fat. If I’m elected mayor, citizens in town will be rich. We got natural gas under the general store that needs to be explored. And for us environmentalists, it’s clean energy. A win win.

TOMMY

Speakin’ of gas. Before COVID, I used to cough to cover a fart. Now I fart to cover a cough. Embarrassin’.

PEARL

You had to share that with me before breakfast.

TOMMY

Just sayin’. Tell us about yourself.

PEARL

I come from a rough childhood. My ma buried three husbands. And two of them was nappin’. I never had stability growin’ up. One day, I seen my ma starin’ at a can of orange juice for 12 hours, because it said “concentrate”. No wonder I became an alcoholic. Thank goodness I went to AA.

TOMMY

You talkin’ them batteries?

PEARL

No. Meetings for alcoholics so they won’t drink. Got me to finish high school. I went on to night school and became an expert on climate change.

TOMMY

What causes climate change?

PEARL

I reckon someone lit a dinosaur on fire. It’s in the Bible. I believe the Book of Fools, proverbs 31.

TOMMY

Nice.

PEARL

Hey, Tommy. I got a heavyweight comin’ here to campaign for me.

TOMMY

No kiddin’. I’m dyin’ to know.

PEARL

King Kong. He’s been reincarnated and wants to settle in Slenderville.

TOMMY

Ya mean the ape that was on top of the Empire State Building tryin’ to catch a plane?

PEARL

Yep. He caught a non-stop to Minneapolis then stole a rental car. The man behind the counter is in pain from being hit by King Kong. Told the cops, it Hertz. I know he’s a fugitive, but I’m keepin’ Kong at my house until I can find a zoo.

TOMMY

Whoa! If that big ape gets mad, there could be gorilla war in town.

PEARL

Then I will be the mayor of a banana republic.

TOMMY

Pearl Merman. See you tomorrow everyone.

Minnesota Nice
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.