Mock Draft: Bears to Take Actual Bear - Dave Henry, Humor Times

ESPN expert’s mock draft has the Bears taking a Maine black bear in the first round.

Calling the current draft class thin, ESPN draft expert Mel Kiper Jr projects in his mock draft that the NFL‘s Chicago Bears will think outside the box and take an actual bear in the first round.

black bear, mock draft — Mock draft: black bear would make “impressive” linebacker. Photo: Cephas, CC BY-SA 3.0.

“The Bears have a huge need at linebacker and there are really no good options in the college ranks for them at pick No. 10,” said Kiper. “So I have them taking this 350 pound black bear from Mount Katahdin, Maine.”

In his scouting report, Kiper said the black bear has an extremely high motor, and he was impressed with its explosive burst for a mammal of his size.

“At the Bears workout in a large grassy meadow in Millinocket, the bear ran down one of the Bears’ scouts and ate him, after first slashing him across the face, chest, and back,” said Kiper. “The bear showed just incredible sideline to sideline speed that should allow him to really set the edge for the defense.”

The scout survived the attack, as the bear only devoured the scout’s left leg before he was shot with a tranquilizer gun. But the Bears’ scouting staff came away super impressed by what they saw out of the big mammal.

“I’m told they just love his aggression,” said Kiper. “They see the bear literally tearing apart opposing offenses next season.”

Kiper, who looks like Sam The Eagle from The Muppets, also said the bear has “elite” paw-eye coordination.

“I saw him snag an osprey out of the sky with one paw and a salmon out of the Kennebec River with the other—-at the same time,” said Kiper. “You can’t teach that.”

The bear also showed considerable upper body strength at the workout as he was able to bench press a large sycamore tree that had landed on a family of possums.

However, the Bears expressed some concerns about the bear’s conditioning.

“He’s pretty flabby and is carrying a lot of extra fur weight,” said Kiper. “I’m told he has a garbage diet, like he literally eats garbage out of the trash. But they’ll get him in the gym and tighten things up. The main thing is that he has all the raw tools and skills to be an elite run stuffer and pass rusher.”

The bear has not been on many teams draft boards since most NFL teams are accustomed to drafting humans. But Kiper thinks it could be the start of a new trend.

“I think this bear is going to take the league by storm,” said Kiper. “That will lead to more teams drafting wild animals, and not just bears.”

Kiper said the Bears are already scouting an elephant from Bangalore and a rhinoceros from Zimbabwe for next year’s draft.

“You may even see some tigers, cheetahs, gazelles and various types of reptiles and large flying birds wearing your favorite team’s uniform in a few years,” said Kiper. “It’s really exciting, game changing stuff. Dangerous, too, but also exciting. And kinda terrifying, but exciting!

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Dave Henry

Dave’s work has appeared in various publications including End of the Bench, Robot Butt, and The Spoof, as well as many unfunny outlets. He also sometimes refers to himself in the third person.