Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the French wanting the Statue of Liberty returned, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

French lawmaker wants the Statue of Liberty returned

Hmmm, I’m surprised Trump hasn’t already traded her in for a hotter, younger, Eastern European statue.

Bronny James drops 17 on the Milwaukee Bucks

Too bad it wasn’t the Toronto Raptors, as he would’ve scored 23 with the tariffs.

Maine gets serious about its lobsters, because the Atlantic is warming

Bad news: Fewer lobsters. Good news: They’ll be ready to eat.

Trump strips Security Clearances from Biden and other political rivals

Guess they’ll have to get Top Secret info like everyone else … by excusing themselves to use the restroom at Mar-a-Lago.

World may be forced to go vegetarian, scientists say

Call me an optimist, but I think enough people will die from obesity, stroke and heart disease to stop that from ever happening.

Macy’s announces job cuts

Well then, who’s the salesperson they’re talking to instead of helping me?

Girl awarded $800K after taking McDonald’s to court over chicken nuggets

With the price of eggs, that’s two Egg McMuffins …

Denise Richards’ daughters didn’t know dad Charlie Sheen was married to Brooke Mueller

In fairness, Charlie probably doesn’t remember either.

Heavyweight champion George Foreman has reportedly died on at 76 years old

Down goes Foreman.
Down goes Foreman
Down goes Foreman.
God speed, big fella!

Hilaria Baldwin attempts to justify snapping at Alec during red carpet interview

Who can blame her for having a short fuse with eight kids … nine including Alec?

Tesla recalls over 46,000 Cybertrucks

Well, at least the same guy doesn’t own a company that’s littered the sky with satellites … Oh, wait.

Texas wildfire prompts evacuations, as Arkansas and Florida also battle blazes

Quick someone airlift in the rakes!

Happy 15th Anniversary for ObamaCare

… While Republicans continue trying to replace it with ‘WeDon’tCare.’

Seniors won’t complain if they miss a Social Security check, Secretary of Commerce Lutnick says

Really? Seniors I know complain about not getting their early bird dinner if they’re late by even 2 seconds. So, yeah, this sounds like complete malarkey.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)