The grand opening of VP Vance’s new online etiquette school will teach the nuances of using the phrase “thank you.”
In an interview with Faux News following his heated discussion with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, Vice President JD Vance announced the grand opening of his new online etiquette school “Thank Youniversity.”
This revolutionary education program specializes in teaching the nuances of using the phrase “thank you.”
JD stated the motivation for this new venture goes all the way back to his childhood. “I was never taught manners as a child, for years I heard people saying all these weird phrases and never knew what they meant. Heck, President Trump just taught me what ‘thank you’ meant last week! I figure there must be millions of people going through the same struggles as me that could benefit from an affordable and accessible way to learn their manners.”
But don’t worry, its not just for beginners! Masters and Doctorate programs will include such classes as:
Say Thank You: How To Win An Argument With Ad Hominem Attacks
Thank You: The Hidden Meanings Public Schools Don’t Want You To Know
Thanks, But No Thanks: Self Defense Against The Woke Mind Virus
Bachelor’s degrees will cost $1000 and provide access to an in-depth breakdown of the Zelenskyy meeting by manners expert and Faux News host Jesse Watters. Masters and doctorates degrees will cost $5000 respectively which includes 10 essential videos by JD Vance, overnight shipping of your degree, and a personalized video from the Vice President berating you about nothing in particular.
JD ended the interview by teasing exciting plans for the school’s future. “Be on the lookout for new degree programs to be added soon! I hear there are a couple more polite phrases people use but President Trump says I need to perform a special favor for him before he’ll teach me what they are.”
Note: These are not real degrees. Putting them on your resume may have unintended ill effects.
Still skeptical? Read these testimonials!
– James Smith, 35 –
“I was mugged on my way home from work and without missing a beat I thanked the robber and handed over all my money and credit cards. Before getting my degree at Thank Youniversity, I probably would have defended myself like some dumb Ukrainian.”
– Mary Johnson, 56 –
“I’ve stopped saying ‘please’ and ‘you’re welcome’ entirely. Thanks to JD Vance and Thank Youniversity, the only phrase I need is ‘thank you!’”
– Little Mikey, 9 –
“I used my Mom’s credit card and it was super easy! She was very mad at me but after we watched the video she told me ‘thank you!’ and bought me ice cream!”
