Meals on Wheels to Be Slashed: RFK Jr - Bill Tope, Humor Times

Federal funding for Meals on Wheels, “that wasteful nutrition program,” will be cut, says new McDonald’s fan RFK Jr.

Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced Saturday that federal funding for Meals on Wheels, a nutritional program for older Americans, would be cut in favor of federal stipends to McDonald’s Corporation. “The Double Quarter Pounder,” growled Kennedy hoarsely, “is the new dietary standard for the elderly.”

Kennedy cited the nutritional benefits of the DQP, including the abundance of fat, salt and “just good old-fashioned grease.” The HHS Secretary likened the product to bear meat, noting that he has a philosophical–but not financial–stake in the sandwich.

“I owe it all to Our Dear Leader, President Trump, for showing me the error of my dietary ways. After seeing what the DQP has done for the president, I relish the chance to chew gristle and other sandwich components. The Double Quarter Pounder contains 740 delicious calories,” boasted Kennedy.

“We’re tightening our belts here at HHS,” said Kennedy. He said that, in conjunction with a DOGE directive, a workforce retraction of 90% is imminent. Also, instead of delivery of meals to elderly, disabled and other marginalized Americans, MOW would be available for pickup at county Republican headquarters throughout the 51 states, D.C. and Greenland.

Meals on Wheels, which originated in the U.K. following WWII, is funded according to a formula created by the Older Americans Act of 1965. Local, state and NGO funding contributes to the program as well. Federal funding exceeded $1 billion last year. Kennedy stated that the proposed OAA budget for fiscal 2025 stands at $100,000. “Gotta feed them billionaires too,” said Kennedy briskly.

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Bill Tope

Bill Tope is a retired (caseworker, cook, construction worker, nude model for art classes, and so on) who lives with his mean little cat Baby.