President announces that he has declared select portions of the U.S. Constitution’s First Amendment invalid.
President Donald J. Trump hosted a smorgasbord for alt-right journalists and Administration functionaries in the Map Room at the White House on Monday. As the assemblage noshed their way through Egg McMuffins, which Trump said he got “for a steal” during the transition from the breakfast to the lunch menu, the president floored those present by announcing that he had declared select portions of the U.S. Constitution’s First Amendment invalid.
While Trump, seated at a desk, signed the requisite Executive Order to change the law with a Sharpie, Atlantic editor-in-chief Jeffrey Goldberg, who had mistakenly been invited to the ceremony, posted on X that he was “shocked but not surprised.”
Vice President JD Vance, spying Goldberg, instantly seized the journalist in a headlock, telling him he would “rip (him) a new one” unless he surrendered his cell phone. Trump, observing the disturbance, counseled Vance to “twist off his head” so that he could impale it on a pike in the White House fence.
Once the commotion was at an end, Attorney General Pam Bondi spoke up, telling those present that “the president has a firm legal foundation for voiding the entire Bill of Rights if he wants to.” Bondi cited the “Implied Powers of the Presidency,” but when asked by Fox News reporter Brit Hume to explain where in the Constitution those powers reposed, she balked.
Bondi said “it is under review,” that “any 1st-year law student understands the concept” and that she “didn’t have to tell Brit Hume nothin’.” Thrice-impeached DoD Secretary Pete Hegseth, holding fast to a martini glass, marshalled Hume from the chamber. Moments later, the retort of a gunshot could be heard echoing down the hallway outside the Map Room.
Bondi then pointed to the so-called “soft powers” of the presidency, but with a grin remarked that, per First Lady Melania Trump, the president had not to date exhibited any such proclivities.
When the hubbub over Trump’s announcement subsided, the nation’s 47th president said that, with the annulment of Freedom of the Press, Freedom of Speech was “only rightfully next on the chopping block.”
Presidential advisor Stephen Miller parroted his boss, saying that “the rest of the 1st Amendment can’t be far behind,” Trump grinned, pointed a fat, blunt finger at Miller and said, “Can you see why I like this guy?” Those around the Map Room applauded politely and Miller rose to his spider-like legs, took a little bow and then sat back down.
Trump’s announcement was greeted by huzzahs from Trump Administration officials, who had by this time all signed onto their Signal accounts and were turning over transcripts of private conversations to rodent-like FBI Director Kash Patel. “Eat up, everybody,” urged Trump, seizing a plump Big Mac in his fat little fist and taking a great bite.
Unheralded at the time of its enactment, Trump previously reinstated his prohibition of entry into the U.S. by residents of Muslim countries, saying that this didn’t violate the 1st Amendment “because there ain’t no 1st Amendment no more.”
He said he would remain “hands off” the part of the Amendment which protected Freedom of Assembly, so long as the protesters were not Black, colored, Democrat or picketing in behalf of BLM. “I think I’m being very fair,” Trump was heard to say.
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