Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about opening day for Major League Baseball, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Play ball! Opening day around the country for the 2025 Major League Baseball season

Not only is it opening day, but the Chicago White Sox already are mathematically eliminated from the World Series.

Disappointing Box Office for Snow White

Not saying Snow White bombed for Disney, but they announced box office numbers on Signal.

23andMe files for bankruptcy

So, it’s now Chapter11andMe.

Danish foreign minister scolds Trump administration for its criticism of Denmark and Greenland

Personally, I can’t wait for Trump to say from now on a Danish is an Americanish.

Texas measles cases reach 400

Send in the Dallas Cowboys to stop this, they can’t catch anything.

Zika virus might be transmitted through oral sex, Doctors report

So, they’re saying it’s worth the risk?

Ivermectin can now be bought over the counter

Customers can stomp their foot once for the generic, twice for the original …

Israeli officials furious that Signal group chat exposed intelligence, sources say

Well, in fairness, the guy they let in the chat was named Goldberg.

Tesla sales have fallen over 50% in Europe

When it comes to Tesla, it looks like EV stands ‘Europeans Vanishing.’

China deports Japanese tourists over Great Wall buttocks pic

In related news, Japan to change its motto to ‘Land of the Rising Moons.’

Megan Fox welcomes baby no. 4, her first with Ex Machine Gun Kelly

So, we now know that’s one Machine Gun that wasn’t shooting blanks.

Kristi Noem turned up at El Salvador prison

Could’ve been worse, she could’ve turned up at the pound.

Southern California woman charged after police seize over $350,000 worth of stolen merchandise

Would’ve gotten away with it if she’d eaten the 1/2 dozen eggs rather than color them for Easter.

Talking to yourself makes you smarter

Yes, it does. No, it doesn’t. Yes, it does. No, it doesn’t …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)