The U.S. President threatens war with Denmark over possession of the Danish territory of Greenland.
Donald Trump has officially taken the gloves off in a newly aggressive approach, threatening war with Denmark over possession of the Danish territory of Greenland. He said that “an all-out war” with the European ally is not out of the question.
Since his inauguration in January, Trump has made thinly-veiled overtures to acquiring the island nation, at one point suggesting that the “market value” of Greenland’s mineral resources was on the order of $200 billion.
Debate within the Trump Administration has centered around the cost of providing services to Greenland’s 58,000 citizens and balancing that against the strategic value of the islands, which some insiders have set at $3 trillion “and change.” Presently, the Danish government subsidizes the island to the tune of $600 million per annum.
“We can do much better than that,” boasted Trump. “Elon can write a check for $1 million for each resident and be done with it. That’s the going rate for purchasing eternal souls, I believe.”
“Running Greenland shouldn’t be too expensive,” said Trump. “The natives basically subsist on whale blubber and alcohol,” he said, and noted that he still has several warehouses of Trump Vodka to move.
Vice President and mini-me JD Vance visited Greenland last week with his wife Usha. He addressed reporters on the island, noting that “we can’t just ignore the president’s desires. If he wants a double quarterpounder, then that’s what he gets. If he wants an island nation, then he’ll get that too.”
Asked if military action was in the offing, Vance said “I don’t take anything off the table.” DoD Secretary Pete “Highball” Hegseth told reporters back in Washington D.C. that he is exploring the possibility of deploying B-2 stealth bombers to Nuuk, the capital and most populous city of Greenland.
When asked about this possibility, Trump remarked that, by “taking out the 15,000 Greenlanders living in Nuuk,” it would leave approximately 25% fewer indigious people to compesate for the seizure of their homeland. “It only makes good business sense,” remarked Trump.
Trump has said that the thousands of miles of Greenland’s coastline are “just begging for condos, high-end office buildings and Trump Towers.” Asked where he would get construction crews willing to bear the inclement weather in Greenland, Trump replied that “relocation and forced labor of illegals, drug-dealers, rapists and inmates of insane asylums remains a possibility.”
Hegseth, in response to the outrage expressed by Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen, is drafting plans to dispatch Seal Team Six to “take out the troublemaker.” Said Trump: “Thomas and Alito said that was alright!”
A cost analysis is presently underway by Russell Vought, the director of the Office of Management and Budget. According to Vought, Trump’s New Manifest Destiny is “fiscally very feasible.” Similar studies are underway to determine the possibility of the United States seizing Canada and the Panama Canal Zone as well.
American territorial expansion by aggressive means is not new. Although the U.S. Virgin Islands were bought from Denmark in 1917, Guam, Puerto Rico and the Philippines were taken from Spain as a result of the Spanish-American war at the turn of the 20th century.
Much of the American Southwest was seized from Mexico as a result of the Mexican War in the 1840s. Moreover, Hawaii was taken by the U.S. as a result of a coup of the monarchy in which the U.S. had a hand.
Trump’s 2.0 version of Manifest Destiny does not end there. “I plan to take back all the casinos presently being run by indigenous tribes across the U.S,,” he said. “They’re running the casinos into the ground. Nobody knows more about casinos than me!”
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