[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Canadian War Plans Leaked

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Another person accidentally added to a DoD chat leaks Canadian war plans to the press.

By Corey Spondent

Not long after the Signal war plans leak, another war plan leak occurred, this time on WhatsApp. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was chatting with his mistress when he accidentally added his wife, Jennifer Rauchet, to the conversation. She then forwarded the Canadian war plans to the Associated Press, saying she was unsure whether she was happy or unhappy that her husband couldn’t keep secrets.

Canadian war plans
A United States Border Patrol agent on the northern border, CC BY-SA 4.0.

This couldn’t have happened at a worse time, as tensions between the US and Canada are rising, particularly after President Trump’s comments about Canada becoming the 51st state.

We spoke with a National Guard soldier, a private fresh out of infantry school, who wishes to remain anonymous at the Canadian border. He’s been keeping Americans unhappy with the current administration from illegally crossing into Canada. When asked how many Canadians illegally cross into America, the Guardsman confusedly said, “That’s never happened.”

Asked how he’d feel if he was sent to invade Canada, he replied, “Not that good. I like the people there, and I’ve never been in combat, but as long as I don’t get bogged down in any of their maple lakes and keep my head down from all the hockey pucks, I should be fine.”

Asked, “Are you receiving any type of training specifically for Canada?” The National Guardsman said, “Yeah, Intel suggests their military probably has around 200 soldiers, if that, and some Mounties, so to keep things fair, we’ll probably send only a few platoons. We’re not allowed to use bayonets or fire rifles; instead, we’re replacing bayonets with small hockey sticks.”

Apparently, the US and Canada are still working out the rules of war in case it happens.

The soldier also expressed his dislike for the new battle dress uniforms: denim jackets and pants, also known as “Canadian tuxedos,” designed to help soldiers blend in with the local population. He’s also learning to say “eh” after every sentence, which he finds easier than learning other foreign languages. Also, It’ll take some getting used to because the Canadians will apologize repeatedly for the invasion, unlike those other countries that never show gratitude when we get involved.

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