Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about what Apple lost on the stock market, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Apple lost $311 billion in market value in one day

Siri is now Surly.

Cory Booker broke Strom Thurmond Senate speech length record

That makes Cory the first politician I didn’t root for to STFU.

Terrence Howard claims Diddy tried to have sex with him

… Which still raises the question ’Diddy or Didn’t He.’

Signal chat group members partied at $1 million-a-plate Trump Mar-a-Lago dinner after Yemen bombings

… No word if the editor of ‘Bon Appetite’ accidentally was invited.

The Netherlands and Belgium issue travel warnings for America

But in fairness Belgium’s been known to waffle.

Buckingham palace makes rare statement on Prince Andrew after King Charles is pulled into Chinese spy saga

Charles: Who?

2-faced cat dies at 15

… Ending speculation of his career in politics.

Woman crashes car while shaving privates

… Just guessing this has nothing to do with the military.

Air traffic controller in Orlando stops Southwest Airlines pilots mistakenly trying to take off

It seems all the luggage aboard was headed for proper destination.

Kanye West says he regrets getting Kim Kardashian pregnant

Now, Kanye knows how his dad must’ve felt.

Scientists at Antarctic base rocked by alleged assault

The snow balls on that guy …

Laura Prepon accuses Ex Ben Foster of ‘Habitual Drunkenness’

Look for them on a new reality show called ‘That 70’s Proof Show.’

A stunning view of Earth from 99 million miles away

So, that’s what earth looks like from top of debt ceiling?

US economy adds 228,000 jobs in March

It would’ve been 228,001, but Rudy Giuliani still can’t practice law.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)