Prime Ministership assumed by Mark Carney as Ottawa media cheers, checking maps.
By Scott D. G. Ventureyra
OTTAWA â In a stunning act of democratic innovation, Mark Carney has assumed the role of Prime Minister without running for office, winning a seat, or knowing where Bells Corners is.
According to sources, Carney was “surprised and delighted” to learn that Nepean does not include half of Kanata, but confirmed he remains committed to “representing all Canadians â including those in parts of the country Iâve never been to.”
To mark this momentous occasion, Carney teamed up with veteran expat patriot Mike Myers â who also hasnât lived in Canada since grunge was cool â for a moving cinematic tribute titled “Elbows Up, Canada!” The short film features the pair bumping elbows, gazing stoically at maple leaves, and pretending to feel something while holding triple passports and U.S. tax returns.
“It’s a powerful statement of performative nationalism,” said one Liberal strategist. “Nothing says ‘Canada Strong’ like two guys who havenât used OHIP (Ontario Health Insurance Plan) since the Bush administration.”
Meanwhile, the Canadian media responded with glowing coverage, with Canadian Broadcasting Corporation (CBC) staff reportedly weeping into their government-funded oat milk lattes. Viewership soared from 13 to 18 people, briefly surpassing the ratings of a Prince Edward Island traffic cam.
Asked whether state funding compromises their ability to report objectively on Carneyâs installation, one Global News anchor replied, âSorry, canât hear you over this $600 million.â
But Carney isnât just a ceremonial figurehead with a soft-focus backstory and suspiciously well-lit bookshelf. Heâs also a climate warrior â if by âwarriorâ we mean someone who champions ESG frameworks that destroy western Canadian jobs while his former firm, Brookfield, profits from fossil fuels in the U.S. Itâs a bold and visionary commitment to sustainability, especially the kind that sustains his investment portfolio.
Critics have noted Carneyâs other credentials, including helping bail out Jared Kushnerâs real estate empire, facilitating Elon Muskâs Twitter takeover, and sharing event stages with actual Ghislaine Maxwell. Some observers describe his rĂ©sumĂ© as “Davos-flavored trail mix: a little bit of banker, a little bit of oligarch, and a whole lot of nope.”
Still, many Canadians remain blissfully unaware of Carneyâs record, distracted by things like Instagram virtue challenges, Ukraine flag emojis, and screaming into pillows whenever Donald Trump makes a comment about Canada.
âWe canât let Trump make us the 51st state!â cried a downtown Ottawa resident, before enthusiastically supporting a WHO pandemic treaty, climate goals written in Brussels, and shipping $500 million to Ukraine while his landlord triples the rent.
Indeed, Canadians have become so practiced in symbolic outrage that they now protest for sovereignty while enthusiastically outsourcing it. Weâve locked down churches, cheered for frozen bank accounts, and agreed to health policies written by unelected global bureaucrats â all in the name of “elbowing back.”
When asked about the April 28 election, one voter replied, âIs that the day we post a new profile pic, or the day we get our booster? I get them mixed up.â
But Carney remains confident in his path forward. âThe truth is,â he said while boarding a private jet fueled by ethically-sourced rainforest carbon, âCanada doesnât need sovereignty. It needs branding.â
As for Bells Corners? Carney promises to look into it â right after his next strategy session with Klaus Schwab, Elon Musk, and the ghost of Ghislaine Maxwellâs social calendar.
Scott D. G. Ventureyra, PhD, is a theologian, philosopher, and Ottawa-based observer of the absurd. You can visit him at www.scottventureyra.com while itâs still legal.
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