Arborist Interviewed on Talk Radio Show

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews an arborist from Slenderville, Minnesota.

ANNOUNCER

From beautiful downtown Slenderville, it’s the Minnesota Nice Radio Show. And here’s your host Tommy Ellis.

Arborist photo: Eric Frei in Wikipedia, Public Domain.

TOMMY ELLIS

Welcome to the show. Lots happenin’. The forests need thinin’, so we don’t have fires in Slenderville this summer. And my guest Elmer Bjork is the arborist slash tree trimmer who is goin’ to do the job.

Mornin’, Elmer.

ARBORIST ELMER BJORK

Hello, Tommy. By the way, I also trim mustaches. Kinda’ curious. Is that a mustache or have your eyebrows come down for a drink?

TOMMY

It’s a stache, beserk. They don’t call me Crumb Catcher for nothin’.

ELMER

It’s Bjork. Like stork.

TOMMY

Speakin’ of storks. Lookin’ at your family photos, you were such a fat baby that it wasn’t a stork who delivered you, it was a crane.

ELMER

Ya need to take a nice pill, Tommy. You are outta your mind.

TOMMY

Maybe you’re right. Let’s talk about trees. As I understand it, there are many varieties in Slenderville.

ELMER

Oh, ya. Oak, Silver Birch, Red Maple. Them trees are so smart they can access the internet.

TOMMY

No joke?

ELMER

Yep. They log in.

TOMMY

Accordin’ to my notes, you’ve cut down 27,349 trees. How do you know exactly how many?

ELMER

Easy. I keep a log.

TOMMY

You betcha. How do you trim them?

ELMER

It depends. I don’t cut Oak. Birch need prunin’. I need to cut them branches or they become diseased and insect infested. Birch trees serve a purpose. Many centuries ago, Native Americans made canoes from their bark.

TOMMY

Interestin’.

ELMER

Yep. But here’s somethin’ to think about. Two Native Americans in a canoe and two Poles in a tank. Who tips first?

TOMMY

What’s the scariest part of your job?

ELMER

Power lines. Sometimes tree branches touch the power lines, which is why I need to cut them down with a chain saw.

TOMMY

Ever get shocked?

ELMER

Sure. I love the thrill of bein’ electrocuted. Some things you just can’t let go.

TOMMY

Jeez. Try a safer profession. I remember when you was a handyman. It was 80 degrees outside and you was wearin’ two coats.

ELMER

Of course. You need two coats when you paint, dummy.

TOMMY

How dare you call me a dummy! I got an A on my IQ test.

ELMER

And I got a 70. I’d say that’s better than you’re A!

TOMMY

Okay. Looks like you’re gettin’ the Nobel Prize. Elmer Bjork. See ya tomorrow.

Minnesota Nice
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.